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Old 11-02-2011, 09:03 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

No, you misunderstand. I'm not accusing you of anything. I used strong language just to show another perspective.

Of course, I would hope that she wasn't going along with swinging just because you wanted it. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. I know what it's like to be horny and just want to get off. Nothing wrong with that. I am sure that she enjoyed or still enjoys swinging and having recreational sex. My point was to express some ideas about separating sex from love, to give you another way of looking at it. I was addressing what you see as okay (the sex) and what you see as not okay (the love, extending beyond the relationship she has with you). Anything I wrote was not to pass judgment nor accuse, but to provide some food for thought. That is all.

Your story is a common one. When ex-swingers come here and post, it is almost always the men who object to love being in the equation and I say the same thing to all of them: ask yourself why it is okay for your wife to be just a body to other people and a whole person only to you. Doesn't that seem a bit possessive (funny, that, though, since we're talking about swinging)? But it is possessive if anyone thinks they can set a rule and control another person's emotional responses in life. Lots of couples come here wanting to try poly and the women want the love with the sex, but the men just want the casual sex [usually, though not always, the case]. I think this is what has been conditioned into us. But I know that there are plenty of women who feel fine separating the two as well. Either way, I think it can be very productive and illuminating to look at, examine, and dig deep underneath why that separation is there, see what our attitudes are and where they came from, in order to come to terms with a change in the relationship, and your rules.

MZ had some good points about not making such a big deal over the word "love" and what it stands for.

I also thought it could be helpful to see another side of it, namely that sex doesn't have to be disassociated from love. And that someone you love deserves being loved, even from other people. The title you gave your thread is "Is my marriage over?" No, it doesn't have to be if you can allow space for something new, like love in multiple partner relationships, and trust that your wife didn't go and break your rules purposely or with any dastardly goal in mind. If you do choose to embrace polyamory, then you two will need to sit down and renegotiate boundaries.

I also think Magdlyn made some great points, too! And you may want to read some books about poly, if you haven't yet.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 11-02-2011 at 09:33 PM.
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