My comments for now will not address the fact that your wife has feelings for someone apparently distant and aloof. More about that in another post.
I think it would be good for you to examine the disconnect you feel between sex and love. I understand that this ability may be more prevalent among males, but I feel that that's mostly just societal conditioning. I bring it up because it has always stupefied me how often a husband comes here and says they were perfectly fine passing their wives around in swinger situations, for their bodies to be used as sex toys by other people, but rail against any emotional involvement. However, think about it - doesn't your wife deserve to be cherished and respected by anyone she's physical with, and to have all the love in the world come her way? And for her not to hold back an integral part of herself in relating to others? Why be stingy about love and yet still be okay with her being just some wet hole for someone to fuck and think nothing more of her? You say it will kill you if she continues to be with this guy and have feelings for him; it would kill me if my husband only wanted me to be someone's convenient receptacle to cum into. I would literally have to deaden myself to allow that, just like a rape victim would have to somehow escape in their mind from the trauma and disassociate from what is going on.
And I am someone who enjoys casual sex, so I'm not against the sex -- but my whole self has to be involved or it is simply empty and demoralizing. And if I am in a loving relationship, I'd be devastated if my partner didn't see how beautiful it is to be loving as well as sexual with others.
I'm not putting it in these terms to be judgmental about what you're going through; I'm just trying to give you another perspective.
She's a person who has feelings and no amount of rules and agreements can prevent emotions from coming up when they do. It's not like she fell in love on purpose. But sex, if it's more than just mechanical stimulation, is an intimate act -- and intimate acts bring up feelings. See if you can imagine yourself loving another person, too. If you can open yourself up to the possibilities that polyamory can bring you, you may find your life so much more enriched by the experience of being surrounded by love, love, and more love, as opposed to lots of recreational sex and loving feelings confined to only where they're "supposed to be."
Edit: Oh, I love what MZ wrote about not being scared of love, in the post above!
Last edited by nycindie; 11-02-2011 at 07:53 PM.