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Old 11-02-2011, 04:19 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Yeah, I'm wondering if these are normal growing pains in a marriage (aside from the sex, which would be less common). Any anecdotes about others' early married (or similarly committed) years would help me gain a better perspective.
Whoa, it's not the case that sex issues are less common problems in marriages, but probably less people admit to it. I do think financial stuff is usually the #1 thing that married couples argue about.

In my marriage, the biggest problem (seen in hindsight, unfortunately) was that although we were honest with each other and had what we felt was good communication, I think we were really afraid to look at the stuff that terrified us, and so we kept the nuggets at the center of our issues all inside. We brought up whatever was bothering us, from time to time - but didn't do enough in-depth work on it. My husband had been thinking about getting a divorce for three years before telling me, and it came as a complete shock because he kept the struggles he was having a secret. I knew we had issues, but I didn't know they were deal-breakers and never, ever thought he would walk away without trying to work on them together. But he viewed his internal struggle as having done enough. And I was unwilling to look at how afraid I was of his anger.

So, I think the fact that you two are shining a light on the stuff that's just plain difficult to look at is a huge step in making it work. John Welwood talks about applying the "microscope of awareness" in relationships. You may want to read some of his books. Journey of the Heart is a classic and absolutely great!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-02-2011 at 04:23 PM.
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