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Old 11-02-2011, 12:07 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,555

Originally Posted by DubiousProposition View Post
Hi all. New here. Hope you're all well.

I don't know how to write about this. I'm not a very good writer, and I'm tired, bone tired, right now.
Welcome, Dubious. I hope you got some rest. Being in this emotional new place in your relationship will be more easily dealt with if you can get sleep, eat nutritious foods and get some exercise to clear your head. More easily said than done, I know. But please try to take care of yourself.

I'm not poly. Neither, had I thought, was my wife. What we are, or were, was swingers. Whether or not that's a variety of polyamory, I don't want to get into. Technically I suppose it is, but the two cultures seem a good bit different, and have not always been respectful of their differences. is what it is.
We actually get a good number of swingers or former swingers here. Some of them are in "swinging" relationships where there are ongoing relationships with partners which sound more poly (ie: caring for each other, having meals together, enjoying talking and laughing as much as the sex, etc) than like swinging.

How long have you and your wife been together? How old are you? How long have you been swinging?

Here's the deal: my wife has been seeing a man on the side for the better part of a year. She and he have gotten very close. Or rather, she's gotten close to him; he's distant and aloof and imperceptive of her feelings. or so I'm told. So last week she tells me that she loves him.
Gosh, why should she love someone who is distant and aloof?

This was off limits for us. We had both promised to break things off with play partners if it started to get too serious. I'm crushed. I tell her I can't deal with it, that statement, that situation is a bridge too far for me. I can share her sexually. Not emotionally. I've made her very aware of this in the past, and she always assented to it. So tonight she tells me that she won't break it off, per our agreement. That the agreement was naive. And perhaps it was. I have, however, been awarded the right to ask her to stop at any time, although she tells me she doesn't feel obligated to listen.

In the end, I told her fine, do what you want. But if you go on with your lover after telling me this, you're killing me piecemeal.

I guess I have a choice. Accept a poly relationship and suffer, or don't accept it and still suffer. Not really sure what to do.
Well, poly doesn't have to mean suffering. There are quite a few happy polys on this board!

Personally I think swingers are playing with fire. Unless you always fuck a random stranger, there is always a chance for feelings to develop. Bonding hormones are released during sex which can often make us feel closer to our sex partners. If one has a certain fuck buddy who also makes us laugh, is irresistably cute, has interesting stories to tell, all that, plus great sex, can make us feel close emotionally, and fall in love. New love, which we call NRE (new relationship energy) can feel quite overwhelming, often obsessive. Experienced poly people are aware of this and have coping skills to keep the primary relationship alive and juicy.

I'd say your wife is just feeling normal feelings that anyone can have for a nice play partner. (I'm just concerned she is falling for an aloof distant man. What's up with that?)
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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