Wise words, Phy.
All that makes a lot of sense, thanks for adding your input!
Me and rory had loooong conversations about these things yesterday and today and I think we finally got somewhere.
1) Yes, the three of us most definately will have a conversation the next time I'm going there about time splitting and everyone will get heard.
2) One of the biggest causes for imbalance is that I go there just for rory and she has these other people and things in her life that need attention, too. So I need to develop a life of my own in their city as well. I will change my attitude towards time spent there. It's not just about her, I can do other things with my time as well. I already started looking for some activities near their place that interest me that I could sign up for. Also, even when I'm at their place, I can for example read and meditate more. All good and healthy things.
3) I can go to bed earlier the nights when rory is sleeping next to me. This is a compromise for me but not a big one. I'll gladly do it if the reward is a night with her.
4) Last time I was there was too intense and tiring mainly because of the lack of proper conversation during the weeks before that. The next time is not going to be as bad in that regard. We have spoken via skype a lot so there shouldn't be many things piled up waiting to be discussed.
5) Both of us want what's best for the entire situation and everybody's wellbeing, not just what feels good in any given moment. This means that rory has to take some time for herself even if the need for it hasn't yet grown to anxiety or something bigger. She needs to do that regularly, even if sometimes emotionally she would prefer spending time with me and/or Alec.
6) Equality is important. But it's also important to recognize that these relationships are not similar. Even when they're equal, they're not the same. Me and rory might consider different things important in our relationship that rory and Alec would. So sometimes something I/we want is not in any way away from Alec, because he might need something entirely different that I don't even think about. Well, we both need time/attention and that's something we need to work on how to split, but that's not the only thing you can get from a relationship, obviously.
A few steps forward I think.