Struggling with time and honesty...
I am looking for some advice with the current situation that we are struggling with. My husband and I have been in a quad for a year now and of course weíve all had our ups and downs. Weíll call husband M, husbandís girlfriend N and her husband/my boyfriend H. I have recently had a break down after I have been struggling for a while. Itís been over some inequality in the two extra relationships (which I know and donít expect them to be totally equal because we are all different people).
For the past few months I have felt like I have been just watching the relationship between M and N from the sidelines while I have got close to nothing from H. M and N have regular lunch and drink dates, talk on the phone constantly, and at times he will text her for hours while I just sit there on the couch watching him. He sneaks out of the house to call her or waits for me to leave to jump on the phone. I on the other hand never know when I will hear from H, will go weeks without seeing him and it has been months since weíve had a lunch date. H has a totally different personality than M and I am learning how to handle it but most of the time I feel very alone in all of this.
To top it off there have been a couple of times that M has not been completely honest with me when I have asked him about very minor things. About a month ago both of the men were out of town so N and I went out for a girlís night out. While we were out she answered a phone call from M and went into another room to talk to him. This made me feel a little uncomfortable. Mainly because a few days earlier she was out with friends so I decided to hang out with H for awhile because I hadnít seen him in weeks. Well when she found out I was there she begged me to come out with her. She kept saying ďjust forget them menĒ, etc. So since I thought she was trying to make an effort in our friendship I dropped what I was doing and went out with her. I felt like her taking that phone call was kind of hypocritical. If H would have called me while I was out with her I would have ignored it in a heartbeat. But all in all, it wasnít that big of a deal and wasnít worth me bringing it up with her at the time.
Well it caused more problems a few days later when I was in a conversation about his out of town trip and I asked M if he had called N while we were out that night. He told me no, even though I knew he had. I stewed on it for a day or so then told him that I knew the truth and he said, ďwell maybe you are right, I donít remember what time I called N because I was drunkĒ. He then said that he told me he hadnít called her because I put him on the spot. I told him that I didnít care if he called her, even though at the time it made me feel a little awkward, but I would expect him to just tell me the truth, ďhey I did call her but I was drunk and have no idea when I did.Ē That would have been just fine.
There was another recent incident where he disappeared to his man cave while we had family over. I knew that he went out to call N. Well when he got back in the house I asked him what he had been up to. He made up some excuse of what he was doing. I donít know why he didnít just say what he was doing, itís not like he doesnít already have permission.
So, back to my break down. It came to a head the other night when I had made a dinner for M that he had requested and he ended up being late without letting me know in advance because he was having drinks with another friend. Well after he came home and dinner was cold he told me that he had been at Nís house having a drink as well. I wasnít upset that he was there, but that he totally disregarded me and the family. We ended up having a heated discussion where I told him exactly how I felt about all the time he spends with her and how I felt second. By the end of the night I told him that I didnít think I could do this anymore and I wanted to call things off with the quad (which we all have the agreement that if one person wants out then we all are done).
After doing a lot of talking with M into the wee hours of the morning, he totally understood where I was coming from and agreed to call everything off. I decided that I had been too harsh and we all needed some time to talk and let everyone know how I felt and that it didnít have to end right now. H wasnít even in town when all of this happened and I felt like I had to talk to him as well about how I was feeling.
Well I talked to H about everything in detail and told him that I needed more from our relationship if I could continue to be able to handle M and Nís relationship. I guess it is easier to overlook the time that M spends focused on N if I am somewhat preoccupied with H. H is struggling with being able to focus on me more because he doesnít feel like N cares to be around him or work on the relationship that they have. I totally understand that and mentioned that maybe we should back off of things until their marriage is in a better place. So I really donít know what is going to happen there.
But in the mean time, M is upset and he says he canít even talk to or text N because he is scared of what I will think. I have not asked him to totally stop everything with her. I have asked that he be honest if I do ask him things, which I donít do very often. I feel like he has taken everything that I shared with him about how I have been feeling to another level that it doesnít need to be. He told me that he is so frustrated with everything and that he was actually somewhat relieved when he was going to tell N that things were over. N does have a tendency to cause some drama and not be very honest herself.
So I guess after my long novel, I really donít know what to do with M now? I donít want him to feel like he has to worry about his every move, but I want to be able to be honest with him if I am struggling with something.
So go ahead and shoot, Iím readyÖ.lol.