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Old 11-01-2011, 03:40 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Yesterday I was trying to understand the problem. You sounded frustrated, annoyed, and upset that you haven't had sex with your husband since Feb.
Yes, I am. It's not the only problem, but it is the most glaringly obvious one, so I do tend to ruminate on it more than the others.

and I was thinking wow you'd think he'd be the one complaining about that.
That's a sexist statement. You've been around here long enough that you should know better by now.

But in fact he is or has and because of a whole list of reason some having to do with sexual technique (not picking up non-verbal cues...or your direct verbal instruction) and honesty issues coupled with partner priorities (living, finances, etc) then add needy and clingy and it is or has become a major turn off.
Yes to sexual technique, yes to honesty issues, not sure what you mean by partner priorities, and he's not needy and clingy. I said that's how he seems to me when we argue, because he needs physical reassurance, whereas I need physical space. He often checks things with me waaaay more than necessary (multiple "are you okay" in one night, asking if plans are really okay, when I've already said I'm good with things, etc.). This comes across to me as a lack of confidence, which is a big turn off for me, but he says he just likes to please. I feel like I'm damaged goods and he's tip-toeing around when this happens. We're not at the point where we understand each other's motivations/point of view on this issue, but working on it.

Did things get worse after Mr. A moved in?
No. There were normal living arrangement adjustments, but I don't think the three of us have had any arguments. It was all very anticlimactic.

So from where you started have the primary and secondary roles been switched? Not in a formal sense but in a functional everyday application sense. Has that become an issue for your husband?
I don't use those terms to describe us, but if I did, I would say no switch. Indigo and I share finances, most household responsibilities are undertaken by us. I know the living arrangement with Mr. A is not permanent because of his work, and he's really in a different place in his life and not ready for the responsibility of home ownership.

From day one you start this non-monogamous relationship.
Not quite. I made it clear that I ultimately wanted a non-monogamous relationship, but wanted him to feel secure when we became open.

About a year in you change medication which wakes up your lost libido.
There was a switch around that time which bumped it a little, then a complete change in March which basically put me back to what I was pre-drugs that killed libido.

I've been on so many different meds, the timelines do get a bit wonky. So, if there are inconsistencies, that's why.

Shortly after that you find Mr. A and 6 month or so you get married (last Nov) honeymoon last feb. The honeymoon sex was the last sex ?
Correct. There were a few occassions where there was sexual interaction (which in fairness, were good if a bit awkward), but no vaginal intercourse.

What a powerful statement that is in retrospect. I have to ask How was it or how would he rate it?
I didn't cum, if that's what you're asking. I rarely have (had?) orgasms from vaginal intercourse with Indigo. We were out of the country and I didn't bring lube or a BOB because, well, I didn't want my bags searched or whatever. And eating me out after he's cum in me is not Indigo's cup of tea, so there was no activity when he was done.

When I've asked in the past, Indigo is of the opinion that we have good sex, whereas I've felt that most encounters are not what I need. Not that he's some unskilled bumbling oaf; I know the last encounter he had with another partner, she told him he gave great oral sex. I do believe there are some sexual compatibility issues between us, but they would be manageable without the other baggage that has been piled on top.

Does he hear you high libido types going at it night n day, day and night. That's got to sting every time the door closes.
No, and it's not day and night. I've asked him repeatedly if he's ever heard anything. He says no, says he would let me know if there was a problem. It's not uncommon for him to joke about turning the TV up, he asks at least once a week if Mr. A and I need/want alone time and when Mr. A and I occassionally leave the room to be intimate, he often says "giggidy" or hums Gary Glitter.

6 months of therapy and no ones seeing any progress, is the therapist poly friendly and how often do you meet?
Not no progress. We've made reasonable progress on the non-sex issues, and my logical mind tells me that when there is more progress with those issues, the sex will be easier to sort out. But, as I've said before, the amount of progress I perceive is directly affected by my mood.
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