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Old 11-01-2011, 02:55 PM
kirsten kirsten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
No, I think I mentioned we are in therapy to deal with the "real issues." But I would consider my... hmm... fear? of never getting to know anyone else one of our real problems. The options on that are: Poly relationship until I calm down, or I convince myself that there's no reason to ever want to sleep with anyone else.
That is part of the problem that I see here. She wants something that will tie you to her for life, and she has a deadline. You want to try poly and she doesn't seem too keen on it.

What you have to keep in mind that there is nothing that *you* can do to "convince" her to be poly. Have her read about it, and talk through it.

I'm glad you are in therapy but therapy takes time. Even without the other problems in your relationship, you guys could easily spend a year just sorting through this poly question. This deadline just doesn't seem realistic to me. I don't think that either of you are willing to really be honest with yourselves about how long it will take to sort through all of this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
For the record, though, we talked the other night and I told her we're not doing any form of "seeing other people" until we've worked out our other problems. I also told her I'm reading a book on polyamory and asked her to read it with me... which was NOT an idea she was fond of. She eventually accepted though, after realizing there were books I had read when she requested. She seems pretty adamant that she would never accept this lifestyle though... so I still need to figure out if it's even what I really want, and then it might have to be without her.
Yup, you have some self-inventory to do too. I think that you are on the right path.

Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
I am hoping the book helps her see it in a better light though...
All you can do right now is wait and see. I would just be wary of any decisions that she makes in a break-up situation. The comment that she made that she would do anything to save the relationship is what concerns me. If she flips from "no" to "okay we can try it with these rules" in the middle of a break-up, just be aware that she may be compromising on something that she really can't maintain in the long term.

Which is why it's so dangerous to have a kid with her now. Even if she says yes, it may be motivated by codependence. My ex promised all sorts of things when we were splitting up which I know he would not be able to give me. If her "yes" isn't an HONEST "yes" then she won't be able to do poly for long.
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