To me, if you did sexualized stuff that she didn't know about then that is cheating. Think about it; if someone you were with touched someone in a passionate way such as kissing or fondled her through her shirt, how would you feel? If someone you love and trust is only with you put his mouth on someone elses vulva and made out with it, how would that make you feel? In her eyes, you had sex with him. I would be surprised if she thought otherwise. I think it would be wise to start by understanding the impact of that on her. It might help in order to make decisions for yourself about what YOU want to do in order to feel like YOU have integrity, are trustworthy and a decent person.
It seems like there is a huge desire to down play actions in cheating when the impact is actually the opposite. "Oh it was just a little kissing" to the people cheating is a devistation to the one being cheated on. Feeling that devistation is a good way to mark where the boundary is so its possible to stay within it. At least that is what has been working for me.
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