thanks, nycindie. (you are really good at this! i feel so grateful.) it's completely true, i do have a pattern of feeling this way in relationships. i end up feeling suffocated, compromised, trapped, and guilty. it is totally familiar. i have been looking at this and trying to just acknowledge my urge to leave and stay anyway. every single day. is knowing that this is a pattern a good enough reason to stay? or maybe my pattern of serial monogamy has not given me a chance to find out who i really am, learn how to know and assert m own boundaries, and choose relationships that are good and healthy for me, with people that also have good boundaries? i feel like i could make a great case for both staying and leaving, and i can't decide if the fact that i want to leave is evidence that I should or should not leave.
many of my fantasies around leaving have to do with having a period of time to be single (which i have never had since i started dating 20 years ago) and to be slutty without a primary commitment, all while practicing knowing and asserting my boundaries and improving my communication skills. i know its hard to plan these things in advance (who knows what the universe really has in store?) but is just wanting to be single enough to end a pretty good relationship? how does one know when something is "good enough" to try and keep working on versus when to stop dragging something out due to fear?