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Old 10-31-2011, 08:08 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast, USA
Posts: 69

thanks for the solid words of advice. i do think it is just NRE and i don't think i am "addicted" to it, whatever that means. i've thought a lot about this over the weekend and realized i would not spend all my time with Sam even if Alex was not in the picture. which brings me back to something i said in an earlier post, which is that i realize i am just feeling ambivalent about my relationship with Alex in general. i was feeling this before i met Sam and this is not about wanting to be with Sam, its about me not wanting to be in a committed relationship at all. i have been feeling this for about a year now, and i'm terrified to do anything about it. i have a ton going on in my life right now, and i'm generally feeling pretty stressed out. but everytime i sit with my feelings about Alex, i feel like i want to get out. and i keep convincing myself to stay. i thought that if i had someone like Sam in my life I would feel happier with Alex, because I would be getting those needs met elsewhere. but Sam is perfectly meeting those needs, and i still feel unhappy in my realtionship with Alex. i realize that it was naive to think that just I could get certain needs met elsewhere and then *poof* my relationship with Alex would be great again. it was better for a minute, but now its just hard and stressful again. i don't want to have sex with her. we have been in couples therapy for four years with a really amazing therapist, who i know is part of the reason we are still together, because she helped us with our communication so much. i want to leave but i don't know how. i'm afraid of hurting her, i'm afraid of the gauntlet i feel i am going to have to endure from our friends and community and just generally the shitstorm i imagine will ensue. i keep telling myself maybe i should stick it out just a little longer, maybe things will get better. but i just keep feeling stuck and unhappy.
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