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Old 10-31-2011, 05:37 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
I had previously done the (hard) work of opening myself up to the possibility of a shared sexual relationship, or of "letting my man roam", but had never considered it possible to have a solid relationship with someone whose *heart* isn't entirely mine (I must add that the sense of "owning" someone like that no longer makes sense to me).
yes, this is all sounding like "owning." If that doesn't make sense to you then it sounds like it is time to figure out something different for yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
I would like to open up to the possibility of him actually loving someone else without that meaning I am insufficient, or that I am being replaced, or that he's outgrown me. I also want the freedom to love another man in the future without it being the end of my current relationship.
Except... it may actually happen that I am no longer "enough" for him at some point, that he outgrows me.
No one ever knows when and if we are at the end of a relationship, but poly doesn't really operate on people being insufficient, people being replaceable, or people no longer being enough. Everyone is enough, everyone is sufficient, no one out grows anyone in most poly relationships... things just change and morph into something different as time goes on.

Usually the only time someone is not going to work out as a partner is if they are doing poly differently or have a different agenda than the person(s) they are with... then the relationship tends to morph into a friendship... sometimes a sex buddy, sometimes not.

Poly is about expansive love for the most part, not about scarce love in the form of moving ones love around to a certain person at a time because there is a limit on it. Love in poly tends to be for people of a whole group, rather than directed toward one person. Somehow love is not as full if someone wasn't there, if that makes sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
To resolve the issue of eventual pain and loss, I have read posts that suggest concentrating on the fact "that nobody is irreplaceable", that I can find another partner, that it's alright if people outgrow each other, that being alone isn't so bad...

It seems to me that these suggestions cheapen relationships and actually make them all interchangeable!! "Don't worry, if your husband likes her more, you can find another guy to replace him, too!" Yech.
Bizarre; did you read that here? It is alright if people grow apart and the relationship ends, but generally in poly one is never alone and its not about replacing anyone... hm?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
So I know of no ways to move towards polyamory without feeling like the floor will drop out from under me. It feels as though I have no choice but to face all these painful things at once, in advance, or I will experience even worse pain when I see my husband falling for someone else.
The floor might just fall out from underneath you if you believe that when he meets and falls for someone other than you that he is completely forgetting you. Love comes in many different shapes and has many different forms. You are just as lovable as others and if he is poly he will know this and love you just as much, if not more.

You might even love this person as your metamour. Love need not be just about two in a relationship, but everyone involved. That doesn't mean that you have to be with them too, but that you are happy in their love for one another based on the satisfaction that someone you love is loved and loving... that comes back as more love. Love attracts love if you let it.

Yes, the relationship world as you know it will end as poly is a different mindset entirely when it comes to love. Yes, you will have to experience it to find out. It means your world will change, but it sounds likely that your marriage won't end. Who knows, it could get a million times better if you decide that is a noble goal to work towards together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
I am also very happy with my husband and do not want to end the relationship just because my head was "programmed wrong" by society.
..
You aren't programmed wrong, you are programmed to fit the criteria that we have historically been given from generation to generation, but that isn't wrong... it just might not suit you any more. It might be that poly is a better identity for you. If it isn't and you decide that monogamy is better for you then stick with that. The only way to know is to proceed forward.

There is a lot of support here, so please make use of it. Have a read around if you haven't done so already. Do a search and see what threads sound interesting and read, read, read... get your hubby to also. It sounds like the two of you need to take a breath and realize you are not alone in this.

Let us know how it goes if you get a chance?
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