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Old 10-30-2011, 06:37 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Couple of things; your gf would do better to talk different people, not the friends who are giving her negative advice and making unhelpful comments. Some mono people like to get together and find ways to degrade what poly people are working towards... some poly people like to get together and bash monogamy. Neither is helpful. All is damaging. I think she needs to find friends that are willing to investigate and wonder about poly in order to be helpful. It sounds like none of them are knowledgeable about poly... maybe she should read here. Our biggest tag here is "mono/poly." She would be in good company.

I think if someone were to say what she did to you about being addicted to love, sex, whatever I would wonder what is going on for them. I think I would let her know how it made you feel to be accused of that and ask her what is going on for her. You are not addicted to anything, as others have said. You are in NRE.... maybe she could find out more about that. You could also ask her to use different words when she is frustrated, feeling left out, feeling threatened. I find that giving people the words that I understand and can hear without feeling defensive and hurt really helps.

I would say something like, "you know, I am having a really great time with so-and-so and I would feel much better about it if you were happy for me, but if you aren't and are going through some stuff about it, I would much rather know what that is like for you so I can support you rather than hear words that seem to be coming from a place of you wanting me to feel ashamed. What's going on for you? Tell me how you are feeling rather than putting it on me please. I would like to work on this with you."

I don't think getting pissed off with her is compassionate towards the negative feelings that to me, she quite obviously has. Communication becomes better when one empathizes I find. It means you will have to put your feelings aside in order to get at the bottom of hers, but the end result, I have found in doing that, is that I feel better than I would of if I hadn't of considered my partner above my self first.
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