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Old 10-30-2011, 07:27 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Davis and I are struggling. He continues to be depressed, he has trouble just getting up every day and getting motivated. He's not in a truly dark place... just in a major slump. I keep thinking to myself, maybe I should just end it, maybe this guy will never be the partner I want.

On the one hand he's sensitive, introspective, communicative, open-minded, consistent, supportive. He's utterly devoted to me. On the other hand, I worry that he's not outgoing enough to keep up with the kind of life I like to lead, he's not as dynamic and engaged in the possibilities the world had to offer and in the issues he professes to care about as I'd like to see, he doesn't put the sort of emphasis on self-care and his own well-being and stability that I think would come from a strong internal will... and as deeply as I care about him, he's not exactly moving me to any great heights of sexual revelation or ecstatic positive emotion or joyful self-discovery.

Is all that too much to ask? Is comfort and compatibility and commitment and companionship enough?

He did say yesterday, in the midst of a long conversation, that he will start looking into options for therapy... so that's a big deal.

Yesterday evening turned into a big mess. We went out to eat, he was feeling kind of anxious, I rolled with it and didn't push him and it passed. Afterwards we went bowling, a cute little date to a cheesy little BYOB place. I had all the stuff above swirling around in my head but was trying to ignore it and just focus on having a good time. And we did have a good time, we had the place almost entirely to ourselves, just drinking beers and being silly and knocking down pins.

But then he was helping me work on my form, at my request, and I began to feel stressed out, on edge, almost giddy. I wasn't sure how to react or what to say, but he could tell something was wrong. We sat down and I actually started crying a little, from the stress. He was asking me what was up and beginning to get exasperated and this made me feel much worse -- I wanted him to be understanding of my weird little breakdown the way I'd been understanding of his anxiety earlier in the evening.

We ended up going outside. I was crying, I couldn't explain why, he was upset and asking if it was about him. I pushed him away and told him that, yes, maybe it's just stressful for my partner to be depressed, maybe it's just a lot of pressure to feel like I'm the thing holding him together when I'm not even sure about our relationship to begin with.

We went back to his place and talked more, I told him that I've been having a lot of negative thoughts about us but that I haven't wanted to make any drastic decisions knowing that his depression was coloring things so much for me. We ended up making love and I spent the night. In the morning I felt very close to him and loathe to leave.

And it's those last couple of sentences that keep me holding on, when so much of me seems to be saying I should just split...
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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