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Old 11-02-2009, 07:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NightDragon View Post
First let me appologize. I'm typing this through many tears and will probably ramble.

Things have not been very good here with the Dragons. I have recently discovered that I am controlling and have major depression issues that might very well stem back to my childhood. In short it has made me codependent.

On top of this, I don't want Dragonfly to be "IN" love with DragonBorn. When we first discused having anyone joining us it was mostly just sexual. When anything was brought up more it was ok for feelings to develop, but I don't think we thought ever feelings like this were possible. All we said to each other was, "You're mine!" I never would have thought DF would be "IN" love with anyone else other then me. And god damn, not in less then 2 months. Anyways... you have all heard that before.

Well now, DF is out talking with DB somewhere. She doesn't know what she's going to do. With either of us. She might stay with me and not him. She might stay with both. She might stay with him and not me.

How did I fail? Did I fail as a husband that cause a void in her heart that DB was able to fill? Did I fail as a human being? I love her so much that it feels like a HUGE sword is stabbed me right through the heart. It hurts so bad, and all I want to do is die so the pain stops. But I can't do that. I just today come to understand that I am included in the equation of her happiness. That I am at least part of what makes her complete. I hate that I have to share in "completing" my wife with DB.

On top of this I no longer feel complete. And so the pain continues and grows, turning and turning in a viscious cycle feeding it self in misery. All I can think of is maybe this would have been different if we would have discussed this possiblity? Would it be different if me and DB were bi? Would it be different if DB was a woman? Does any of this even matter if I'm going to loose my wife, the greatest thing that has ever come into my life?

Please someone I need answers! I need to know what to do!!! We have been comunicating. OMG, it feels like that's all we do is fucking talk! I'm so sick of talking! How do I get rid of this pain?!?!? What do I do to save my marriage? What do "I" do to be able to deal with her being "IN" love with another man? How do I not go completly fucking crazy when they are going to be alone, doing god knows fucking what let alone falling more and more in love with each other?!?!

Please... please... please...
FIRST and FOREMOST-take a deep breath.
You need to pause-slow down.

Maca has MAJOR control, depression and insecurity/trust issues due to his childhood. It nearly did us in as well. We've been together 11 years and only in the last two month has anything begun to change.

I can tell you what it took. HE had to take a chance. You can't annihilate a fear if you won't face it and work THROUGH it. Not run from it, go THROUGH it.

Obviously the two of you need to address (you and wife) what NEEDS exist. BUT for you to do that you MUST take your control, fear, depression OUT of the equation. You can not identify TRUE needs from that mental state. Maca has started counseling with me AND alone. Learning to pull himself out of the emotions is KEY and learning to make decisions from a place outside of them as well.

I think he could clearly understand your position. He's at work right now, but you might send him a PM. When he gets home he always checks in here and I know he feels your pain in much of his life.

Don't make rash decisions right now. Just as they say with grief after a death-NEVER make major decisions at that moment. It's dangerous because you could easily make ones you will later regret. You need to ask your wife to pause as well. Let her know you just aren't clear-headed or ok and you need time to get that under control so you can make reasonable decisions. You ought to let the other Dragon know as well.

Just PAUSE. Don't hit "delete" so to speak on anything in your life. AND Look for a counselor who deals with trauma. They tend to be better at dealing with the ongoing effects of childhood issues that erupt into your adult life.
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