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Old 11-02-2009, 07:30 PM
Sevamar Sevamar is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 6
Default Another One From Santa Fe Seeking Advice and Support

Hello! I'm Sevanar. (I already messed that up with my username...I'm a bit nervous right now.) I'm a 22 year old college senior at St. John's College in Santa Fe finishing up my Liberal Arts degree. I'm a proud geek and am addicted to all things technological, especially the gaming industry. I'm very new to Poly (less than a month!) and while nothing involving relationships is ever easy, I feel that I'm adapting pretty well. I feel in my heart that this is just the kind of thing I need to experience, but I'm a people pleaser, and as such I'm constantly paranoid about stepping on anybody else's toes.

I guess I came to these forums looking for a little guidance and support, but it occurs to me now that I haven't really taken stock of what's been going on around me for the last month. As such, I suppose I'm just going to type out a summary of my situation and my reaction to it...if you like hearing stories about other people's relationships, feel free to read on and comment. If not, that's okay! Thanks for getting this far, I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

So...where to begin. I've been deeply in love with my primary for what seems like an eternity. We've been together for over two and a half years and living together for the last year and a half of that. Over the summer we came to realize that polyamory was something that she has been wanting to try for a while, something that she needed in her life. At first, like any good brainwashed boy with two grandfathers who lead old fashioned churches, I was hurt and confused. I took it personally and thought I just wasn't good enough to please her, and things were a bit rough for a while. I won't bore you with the details of the soul-searching and revelations that followed, but in the end I realized that this was in fact a great thing for our relationship and our happiness overall. Around the beginning of the month she told me that there was a woman she was interested in and wanted to talk to, and I agreed that she should give it a try.

Now, about a month later, things are going very well. My primary (who I'll call Elika) and her new girlfriend (who I'll call Jade) are very happy together, and there is even talk about the three of us all living together once our current leases expire, which I think sounds wonderful. The thing that is causing me stress at this point is that while I was originally hesitant about the whole idea of polygamy, I am now 100% in favor of it. Being around Elika and Jade as they experience the exciting energy of a new relationship and falling in love again has made me crave that same feeling. I'm realizing that I love to love, and that most of my stress and jealousy stems from the fact that I don't have the opportunity to love enough. As Elika spends more time with Jade (though I am present for a lot the hanging out), there is less time for me to spend doting on Elika. I don't resent her for this at all, I want her to spend time with Jade and enjoy her new relationship as much as possible. I'm just realizing that this is a perfect opportunity for me to learn that it may be okay for me to share my love with a second partner as well, instead of simply accepting the second partner that Elika has.

This is the point I'm getting hung up on. The more time I spend with her, the more I'm coming to realize that I too am developing feelings for Jade. Elika and I have very similar interests, so it shouldn't surprise me that Jade and I would get along so well. Jade and I have hinted to each other that there is potential here, but I haven't just come out and told her how I feel, and I'm not sure how she feels about it. I'm also very worried about Elika. We're both new to polyamory, and this is my first experience with a Vee type relationship. Is it difficult to go from a Vee to a triad? Is it improper? Elika and I have never discussed the possibility of a second partner for me at all, let alone the fact that I'm interested in Jade. I just don't know what to do.

Nothing about this is desparate; at this point my interest in Jade is growing, but it's not at the point where I would be hurt if Elika doesn't want to go down this path. I'm sure I can give the two of them space if they don't want to close the Vee. I am certain, however, that I want to be able to share my love with somebody new, and that alone is difficult to admit after it took so long for me to accept Elika's curiosity. I know that the only way I'm going to make progress in this is just to sit down and talk to Elika and Jade, but if anybody has any experience with closing the Vee, good or bad, or just any advice on coming out of the poly closet to your first love, I would greatly appreciate it. Sorry this went on so long...I guess I just needed to get this out in front of me in order to appraise my current emotional state. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I look forward to the journey ahead, and hope a few of you won't mind stopping to help someone new!

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