the unicorn search (please don't judge!)
I am rather new to poly, though my girlfriend is experienced in the lifestyle. We are a deeply committed couple; I am 34 (m), she is 24. She is bisexual, while I (unfortunately) am not. We allow each other intimacy with approved partners outside of our “primary-ness” (boys and girls for her, just girls for me obviously). We are picky about our secondaries and don’t get involved with just anyone — we have pretty clear rules about that kind of thing — and as a result we find amazing secondary partners for the most part, all of whom have inevitably become good friends with both of us. Needless to say, the trust factor is pretty high.
But our mutual favorite is the Unicorn … and she IS elusive, isn’t she? We've had a hell of a time finding a third, and we absolutely love triads. We have had two wonderful experiences with unicorns, but unfortunately none that lasted long. One turned out to be a serial monogamist who pretended well, but was actually in between bad relationships and dumped us for her new boyfriend (whom we had unwittingly encouraged her to pursue). The other woman, who is truly the “real deal” and is as crazy about us as we are about her, lives across the country and can’t move away easily (she has kids). C’est la vie.
But we persist in our quest! Our acceptance level is high and our expectations are low. We don’t care too much about age, ethnicity, lifestyle, or any kind of poly-fidelity as it were. We care about trust, communication, and love … and strongly believe in encouraging independence in our third partner as much as we encourage independence with each other. And includes her finding a committed primary of her own if that’s her desire (though hopefully we could be included somehow in the equation!).
So my question: how can we find someone compatible without seeming creepy and/or overly-demanding?