Thread: Honesty in poly
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Old 10-26-2011, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Moonmama View Post
[COLOR="Blue"] She completely has a right to feel whatever comes up for her. However, she knew he wanted to date lots of other women and "fixed him up" enough to make him monogomous, pushing him into a box that made her feel like she could love him under those conditions. Here we have CONDITIONAL LOVE: I only love you if________ and _______. This is also accompanied by feelings of "There is only so much love to go around.......It is not the easiest thing to tell your mate that this is what you have discovered. Are they going to be mad? Probably! should you not have allowed yourself that relationship, even though the sudden realization made your soul excited about this new phase of your journey? Does that mean you no longer love your mate? Should you break up with them right away? Tell them first?
I don't think, from what you have said, that this woman was given the time to work through her belief around everyone should be and is monogamous. Instead she was pushed aside with an eye roll it seems. That feels really crappy when people do that. Its really hurtful. She seems to of been punished for her belief and what she wanted by his breaking trust and you helping him with that quite willingly.

Yes, I agree, she believed in conditional love. She only knew or only thought that love is scarce (as in the scarcity vs. abundance theory). Got it... but instead of all working together to educate her on different ways to have relationships, so that she could make an educated choice whether or not to be with this man, everyone went behind her back and she was left feeling like she was on the right path for her and that he was right along with her holding her hand in a monogamous relationship. It was all bullshit. Poor woman. That must of been a shock. One that would bring dismay and incredible pain. So decietful. (And that is also my opinion)

Its really too bad that he didn't rise above his fear with your help and reach out to her with compassion. She might of been willing to reach out also. I hope there is still a chance for that.

Originally Posted by Moonmama View Post
this is an unfolding process, and I am not going to be the one to rip open the rosebud. These things take time. This has been a long time coming for him, this lesson on honesty in relationships.
This is where I read the time bit. You and he had time for his rosebud to open but not her? I don't see where he learned how to be honest in relationships with your help. It seems he is learning it now by trying radical honesty with her. From what I have learned, learning radical honesty from the place of having cheated is very difficult. Learning it from a place of having realized that the option is cheating is far easier. I would think that you added to his struggle here more than helped.

Originally Posted by Moonmama View Post
Obviously we are coming from different places. The Ego is not something that I find healthy in MOST people, including yours, as you are so quick to label and judge people in comparison to the "story of you," your ego that you believe you are. I also strongly disagree with your ideas that things are static as nothing in life is unchanging except for the fact that it is always changing. I find it a turn off that you are so quick to judge and label and I am sorry that people are doing the same to you in your life. Your words are a mirror of your internal condition. That would only bother you if you were saying words that you wish were not reflective of yourself.
Geez, for someone who is so concerned about my judgment, you sure dish out gobs of your own judgment!

What I said was not static, if you would like to read it again.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Once a cheater gets away with lying and flaking out of communication they always do until they get caught. I dunno, maybe that's okay with you. I certainly would turn me off.
This is what I have noticed anyway (I should of mentioned that, my apologies for that one).

No one is doing anything to me in my life in terms of judging and labeling as far as I know (its not my business if they are really. At least I try and remember that). My internal condition is just fine thank you. I am not sure where you would assume that. I would wonder how your internal condition is and wonder about who is judging and labeling you? Or are you just assuming that also. Man! Its so hard to have a conversations with all the assuming and judging going on.... instead of assuming that, perhaps you should read what I say and consider the difference in relation to your own thinking. This to me is how I learn and grow anyway... I might not like what I hear, but it always adds a new perspective and makes me think differently in order to become a better me some how in the end. I reckon its their opinion... I can chose if it is mine.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Have you had a child before? They teach you something about ego and how important it is to have one. Ego is natural and healthy I think, the quest is for me to balance my ego with empathy. Something this man is clueless of by the sound of it.
Originally Posted by Moonmama View Post
I also trust my children's judgement on what is right for them. We have a parenting style that permits each soul to be honored in the choices that they make. To many that would seem incredibly permissive, but I see my role as a parent to be that of a loving guide,and also as a student, as my children have already taught me more about patience than I have learned anywhere else In my view, children come in as awakened souls in new physical bodies.
I think we are talking about the same thing here. Ego=soul. Maybe not the same words, but the ideas are the same it seems.

It seems you do have empathy. I gather that from what you say above. You have empathy that your children having their own path.... where was it with this woman? Where were your thoughts just before engaging in a relationship with him that would break the trust she had? To me that trust is the same as a child trusting its parent. I like to think of people that anyway, and treat them with this line of thought... Why? because I want to be treated that way.

Personally I think along these lines of self talk...(as a result of being a parent and working with people with cognitive and developmental disabilities... need a lot of patience in my job I tell ya!) "I like to see my place in the world around me as that of a loving guide on how I need to be treated. I will listen and learn from others on how they need to be treated also. I am a student of others. I have learned so much about patience from my children that I intend to practice it with everyone I meet because I believe that we are all awakened spirits in a new physical body... we each have our own path."
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Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 10-26-2011 at 11:47 PM.
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