Thread: Honesty in poly
View Single Post
Old 10-26-2011, 08:07 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I wrote a post and I see it hasn't gone through, so I am writing it again.
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This man is not poly if you ask me, and nor are you if you willingly entered into this situation with him. Maybe in orientation, but not in lifestyle. This is cheating, hands down. Its very black and white to me; non-monogamy without consent, knowledge, honest and open communication in a relationship is cheating... Non-monogamy that is responsible and considerate with ethics such as empathy, integrity etc. is poly.
Originally Posted by Moonmama View Post
So instead of being JUDGEMENTAL AND OVERBEARING I created a safe place for him to move from his previously held belief about himself, which is that when he falls in love with a woman he always hurts her in the end because he loves many women, and they usually overlap. In his previous relationships he was denying his true feelings, what he has been told by society was wrong and bad (and apparently by you as well since instead of supporting a young person moving through this unfolding process, you condemn them and basically say they aren't welcome because their journey didnt start the same way that yours did!!!) Had I not had a relationship with him, he probably would have continued on the way he was going, which I also think is fine if thats what he chooses. Its not the path I would choose for myself, but my soul lessons are different than his.
I did not in any way judge this man or say that he is not poly because he started out in a different place from where I did. How do you know where I started out? Actually, I started out in a similar place. I owned everything I said as my opinion. This is a public forum. It is a space to express one's opinion. If you don't want to hear it, then don't write here about stuff you don't want people to see.

As far as I can see you could of achieved the same goals of helping him to see that it is okay to love many without cheating (physically and emotionally) and damaging the relationship he had. I believe he would of ended up in a similar place and there would not of been any damage done. I don't think you did create a safe place for him. It might of felt like that at the time.... "poor baby who is so misunderstood," but all I hear in your story is that you did nothing to promote his integrity and strength of character in facing her and his belief that he HAS TO be mono. To me, this was cheating, and to me, cheating is not poly in terms of a identity... one can be poly in theory and not in practice I think.

From what I have read, and in my opinion, you and he both created a whole lot of negativity in the form of guilt, shame, distrust, anger, resentment, disrespect, lying, taking away someone's feelings of belonging, security, being loved, cared about and of their feelings and journey being respected as their own. No amount of saying "its her problem" is going to make me think otherwise at this point in time. What is her problem now is to gain back that fragile trust that we all have at birth that is destroyed when people behave as you and he have. As far as I am concerned, you took that from her and it seems you have no remorse for that. Instead all I have heard is that she was wrong and you are right. So therefore she should pay?

Where is your empathy here? I thought you said you are empathetic? I see none for this woman. You said that things take time to unfold.... where was her time? Where was the respect for her process and journey?

Originally Posted by Moonmama View Post
I am not attached to this or any relationship. I welcome the companionship of others on my journey, but I am very clear on where I am going. The ego that I am referring to in this way would be from a Buddhist or ascension context. I do not believe that I am the "story of me" that exists in third density. Therefor I have no need to attach "myself" to any particular outcome because there is no one to be attached. This is why I am not afraid of being hurt in this relationship, only helping create the transformation into truth and higher truths. Anyone can walk away from a cheater. That is obviously what you would do. OR you might point the finger and tell them not to do that again. However, if the pain of the hurt he felt and that he had caused others during past occurences didnt heal him of that, nor the judgement of others, perhaps the way to heal that is through love and the safe space to create a non judgemntal relationship and support to help him see what his higher truth was.
This is all very nice for you, but did you check in to see what she believes? If you are not interested in attachments based on your religion then that is great for you. But she is NOT YOU. Therefore I don't think it is fair to assume that she has the same goals and feels the same way. Nor is it okay to expect that she should.

Creating a safe space in my belief is not about fucking someone and telling them its okay because guess what, "you are poly." Loving cheaters occurs when I stand my ground that I am willing to talk about how I do things differently so as to not hurt others. That is not walking away and there is no judgment there. If you believe that to be true then I am sorry for that, but that is YOUR assumption of me based on nothing to do with me... again, I am stating my opinion, on a public forum.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote