Well, I feel almost guilty, like I've painted an ugly picture of them, and I know they are both good at heart. I think if you place any three people in a situation involving strong emotions like love and sex and feelings of rejection or loneliness, people dont always behave well or rationally. And all three of us grew up in society that views romantic love as exclusive, where one person's gain is another person's loss. Its pretty hard to change something you've been conditioned to believe your whole life.
His girlfriend certainly didnt react any worse this weekend than I did after I found out, and maybe her jealousy now is kind of a delayed reaction, now that's out in the open and more "real," or because he didnt leave me and I didnt go away. Plus her own feelings for him are probably growing if what was just a "fling" before is now a meaningful relationship.
There's two sides to every story (in this case three). I can only tell mine. I'm sure his buddies think I'm the unreasonable one. I'm living at home, I'm not divorced. I'm afraid of being homeless, I'm afraid of never seeing my daughter. Maybe I'm just a coward. But what right do I have to say who he can or can't see or to even be jealous about it. She's single as well. According to society's rules, I'm the one completely out of bounds here. And even if the OPP is a double standard, I guess I'd rather have someone tell me what they can and cannot live with, fair or not, than have them tell me they are fine with it, when its actually a deal breaker. There's no point in people only being honest about the things nobody would ever disapprove of anyway.
She and I both have obligations that limit how much time and energy we can give another person. And he does need more. This should actually work, and when we are all thinking logically and empathetically, it almost does. But emotions like jealousy and insecurity screws everyone up, especially if its 3am and you're by yourself and cant sleep.
I dont think its just the individuals involved in my particular situation, or jealousy wouldnt be such a frequent topic on this forum. In one story I read here, the couple had a "dont ask don't tell" policy but they spent all their time trying to read each other's email or text messages. What's the point of that? I don't know how much information is too much information, but I guess I'd rather experience the discomfort of hearing something and adjust to it, than live with nagging doubts and uncertainty. I suppose if any one of us became too frustrated or unhappy, when the bad starts to outweigh the good, it could all change. I guess right now all I'm hoping for is that we can all be honest and kind to one another, and if they are the people I think they are, it shouldnt be impossible.