That whole "slippery slope" thing. I'm trying to be careful here. My husband had a few months to digest "sometimes I get crushes on other guys" before he had to cope with "I'm in love with another man." That threw him considerably, but none of his fears have come to pass -I'm still his devoted wife, the other man still doesn't want to wreck that, we are all friends and the children don't have a problem with it. (My 9 yr old sometimes asks, "What if you'd married him instead of Daddy? I wonder what I would look like. I guess my skin would be lighter..." I told her technically, she could have ended up a boy. What a shocker!)
Adding one more man to the picture was another adjustment. My husband had a lot of trust issues, since this was a man he didn't already know, and I'd only just started getting to know, and since he's only somewhat (16 yrs) and not vastly (26 yrs) older than me, maybe more of a threat as someone trying replace him. And for me, it's also scarier. I don't have the years and years of friendship to establish mutual trust and respect, and that NRE is some compelling stuff. Because of that, I would rather not try anything new with him, that my husband hasn't already accepted with the first man. We tried a scaled back "date" recently where we spent time in public places acting like ordinary friends, and I liked it. I want to feel sexy, yes, but I also want to make sure that's not my only appeal, so that was reassuring.
My husband has said that once the kids are grown, he's willing to revisit things, and maybe he'll feel more open when he's not so concerned with what they might see or suspect. I also think he'll feel more open to divorce at that point, so I can't quite fantasize about a happy future with husband and boyfriends. But at least I can look forward to moving towards change, and if these years are for getting him to accept that I have emotional, romantic relationships outside marriage, which may involve some discreet, not-in-our-house, fully clothed intimacy, I think I can be content with that, and know that eventually things can change.