Thread: Under the radar
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Old 10-24-2011, 02:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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She did try to have contact with you when she invited you to the beer-tasting, but you declined, so it's more than a little unfair of you to say she made no effort to get to know you. Heck, for that matter, you could have emailed her long ago and made the moves to establish a friendship with her. Why put all the responsibility on her? As for the poly gathering where she didn't talk to you, she might just have felt shy and didn't know what to say. Groups aren't easy for lots of people to handle. I'm not shy one-on-one, but at a party I'm a wallflower.

I can also understand your husband's reaction. I once had a four-month relationship with someone I swore I wasn't attracted to when I met him. Besides, it sounds like she initiated the kiss and it just turned out to be nicer than he would ever have expected, so he went with it. He came home and told you all about it, so I don't think he was doing anything devious here. And I don't know that a kiss can always be considered "sexual contact." I think you might be over-reacting just a tiny bit, but I can understand that because you were surprised by all this having happened unexpectedly.

Maybe his wanting to spend more time with her is just to see if he wants to date her. I mean, sometimes you don't know if you want to date someone unless you get a better sense of them, so he might be looking at the idea of socializing with her as something of a fact-finding mission to determine if he does want to date her, even though he wasn't really looking for someone to date. Sometimes things happen that make us reconsider decisions we made - hasn't that ever happened to you?

I would not assume that she thinks he and she are an item now!! Just because they kissed? Everyone has different concepts of what dating and relationships are. I wouldn't assume I was an item with someone I made out with once. All we did was make out, it doesn't mean we're in a relationship. As far as his inviting her to take a ride with you guys to this other thing (did she accept??), that I think is a little out of line, if he knew that you were uncomfortable with her. He should have asked you first, as I would expect him to ask you about any Joe Schmoe who might want a ride.

I don't think it's too late for him to say he can't give her that ride, if it's beyond what you can handle, but there are other ways to approach it. You could call her before tonight and ask to clarify things with her before you go pick her up. Maybe you have questions or something you want to say to her before anything progresses. Or you could find other ways to make the best of this and see how it goes. Don't just sit back and take it, and then stew about it, in other words.

You have a few choices:
  1. accept that she's riding along with you and feel bad about it, which means you'll probably have a lousy time tonight;
  2. ask your husband not to pick her up and make sure you communicate clearly why you're upset; or
  3. find a way to forgive them both and see this as an opportunity to get to know her better.
And maybe more that I haven't thought of yet.

Maybe you are a little bit rigid about the rules you have with your husband. I read the last thread you started and it seems that you do feel a need to have some element of control over his relationships. That's okay if he's okay with it, but perhaps this is an instance where having a little flexibility would help you both in learning a little more about yourselves, what would make you happy, and could even enrich your relationships. Just an idea to toss out to you. Good luck!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 10-24-2011 at 04:58 PM.
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