So, I went to spend the day with my friend today, and the no kissing business was awkward but manageable. As usual, talking to him brought me lots of clarity, lots of confidence, and lots of sexual frustration. The sum total was me coming home feeling happier.
I realized that it's not so much what I do or don't do with other men that created the problem for me. It's the feeling of disapproval for how I feel. I might be content for a while or longer with keeping these other relationships at a more platonic level, but I don't like to think that my desire to have more is a flaw in my character, from my husband's viewpoint, and that squelching it is a sort of correcting of my ways.
I'm also thinking that I want to focus my energy on making sure that my husband's needs (as he defines them) are met, as well as my children's needs (as I define them, with room for a little compromise towards how my husband sees my role as mother). This has been tricky as I have been bedridden a lot of the past six months, and never quite get my full stamina back before each new relapse of this nasty pericarditis problem I'm having. Assuming I eventually get a grip on my health, and can assure my husband that I can do everything we agree I should do, then I'd like to address again how what I'm not doing (having more intimacy with other men I love) wouldn't have to take away from that. I often think my husband gets more caught up in what he doesn't like me doing, and confuses it with asking for what he does want from me.
Pericarditis: an inflammation of the lining around my heart. My heart hurts because it's beating against its overly tight boundaries. Funny, isn't it?
Last edited by AnotherConfused; 10-24-2011 at 04:19 AM.