Originally Posted by cheryl
After this weekend, I think most people would just rather have affairs.
Are you guys really sure about all of this polyamoury stuff? I mean, can you love someone unselfishly, enjoy your time with them, and be a part of their life without worrying that they love someone else more? Can you live day to day, sharing the person you love, their time, their thoughts, their body, without keeping score? Can a person be so secure in their own identity, to give and not worry what they are getting back, or what somebody else is getting? Or is the only way to not feel jealousy, to not care and to not get hurt, to just simply force yourself not really care about them or yourself, all that much?
Um, so you're judging by their craziness that poly doesn't work and that "most people" would rather just have affairs? Has it occurred to you that maybe your bf and his girl are not "most people" but are just dysfunctional human beings? I know that sounds harsh, but look at their behavior. Guess who acts that way all the time, usually in MONO relationships? Drama-seekers, folks with issues they haven't worked out (i.e. dysfunctional people), and teenagers.
It's not a pretty truth, but you are NOT dealing with an emotionally well-developed person... not because he can't deal with poly...lots of people can't deal with poly, they're monogamous by choice or by nature and that's just fine... but because he *says* he wants poly when he's clearly not ready to:
- disengage from partners who explode into fits of drama for no reason
- treat partners who *are* managing their shit well with any respect at all
- deal with his jealousy at ALL
Are we sure about this polyamory stuff? Can people really love more than one person healthily? Read my blog. Read Phy's blog. Read Mya and Rory's blog. Read Redpepper's blog. I could go on. I've been with my gf for more than two years now and I feel so incredibly happy and blessed. But all the folks I just mentioned? We date people who are sane, strong, and *actually* ok with poly, not just saying they are like your bf's gf is, and definitely not just using it as an excuse to get whatever they want, like your bf is.
We all struggle with communication, boundaries, difficult feelings... just like mono folks. And, if we're lucky and willing to work at it, we manage to build a life that makes us very very very happy... just like mono folks.
No advice we or anyone else gives you will help unless your bf is willing to seriously reconsider his ways of handling things. I guarantee you, even if it was just you and him, he'd be finding some reason, sooner or later, to throw tantrums and treat you like crap. I know you love him and you want to believe that poly is the problem, not him. But honey... it's him.