After this weekend, I think most people would just rather have affairs.
Politically correct or not, I decided to accept my boyfriendís OPP, because I canít see the logic in getting mad, just out of principle, about someone denying you something you donít want anyway. I could go out and sleep with someone else to even the score, only to end up feeling bad about myself, or starting a another ,relationship I donít even want, and disappointing yet another person.
So, okay, let's do this, I say, this triad or vee, or whatever it is. Sheís too busy with work, I have a daughter, you need more. Maybe youíre right, maybe you need two women. I stop throwing a jealous tantrum, have coffee with the girlfriend. Everything seems cool. And what happens? They start fighting. She gets jealous because I am at his place, goes out partying until 5:30 in the morning. She tells him the next day about all the guys hitting on her and how it wouldnít have happened if he had been there to protect her. She says she wanted him there, but being around me, is just too awkward. He spends the day being mad at her, jealous, and taking it out on me.
Theyíve been having this three way relationship since July or August. Iím the only one who didnít know I was in one. Theyíve had plenty of time to adjust to the situation Ė they instigated it, they worked around it. Now suddenly, my just knowing about it, and everything being all out in the open, has thrown a monkey wrench into the works. Why are people less jealous when they are sneaking around, than when everyone knows? Maybe I screwed up. Maybe i was supposed to get mad and fuck off, but no, instead, like an idiot, I say, okay, maybe this could work. I've even researched polyamourism on the internet! People say you can love more than one person and share. People say you can get over jealousy and possessiveness. Hell, she claimed she wasnít jealous of me at all, so it shouldnt be a probelm. It was only my delicate feelings they were supposedly so worried about, and that was why everyone had to lie.
So after he took me home, picking a fight with me the whole way because he wanted to drive off mad, heís at her place tonight, patching things up, and Iím sitting here, trying not to feel jealous and alone, knowing they are having crazy make up sex.
The only reason i posted anything here is that I was looking for advice on how to handle my own jealousy. I want to know how to love someone, appreciate everything about them, and not care who else they love, or worry if they love them more than me. Mono, triads, vees, quads, or any other combination one of you are in, I was hoping someone here could tell me how to do this.
Are you guys really sure about all of this polyamoury stuff? I mean, can you love someone unselfishly, enjoy your time with them, and be a part of their life without worrying that they love someone else more? Can you live day to day, sharing the person you love, their time, their thoughts, their body, without keeping score? Can a person be so secure in their own identity, to give and not worry what they are getting back, or what somebody else is getting? Or is the only way to not feel jealousy, to not care and to not get hurt, to just simply force yourself not really care about them or yourself, all that much?