Originally Posted by redpepper
I think people allow others to have control over them because they are too afraid to speak up, don't know how to speak up, aren't sure what is going on for them, don't ask the other person what is going on for them, the other person is jealous or confused or unhappy and the person feels some how like they should put their own needs aside to "fix" that. There are a good number of reasons. None of which are one persons fault. Both are in a relationship and both need to embrace change in order to create something more healthy. Someone has to start and continue until the relationship ends or change for the better is made for both or more.
There are many ways to cheat. If the person who is being deceived remains in the dark about something that is a known or suspected trigger of feelings of betrail and lack of trust, that to me is cheating.
This is exactly what is going on for my friend X. His discomfort and shame around his gender however, I wouldn't characterize as cheating on his wife, so much as cheating himself. She feels lied to, not knowing this about him (his cross dressing), yet he had denied it in himself, and hid it in a misguided effort to protect her, and protect himself from her disapproval.
After not talking since Monday (when he told me maybe we shouldn't be connecting like this), he emailed me on Thursday afternoon. A long heartfelt letter about his experiences of his gender since childhood, the disapproval of his mom, the indoctrination of how he needed to keep it a shameful secret, and his current feelings about it. And he expressed how amazing it feels to him to have met me, someone who gets him and doesnt judge him negatively. I replied, rather briefly but positively, and then he asked permission to IM me the next day.
So I said yes, and we had 2 chats Friday, morning and afternoon. He admitted to feeling infidelitous about talking to me, his sexual fantasies about me doing things with him that his wife didnt feel good about, etc. But he missed me in those 3 days of not talking and seems to wish to at least remain chat friends as he starts the long arduous journey of healing himself and hopefully forging a better relationship with his wife. Early days yet, we'll see where it goes.
Sorry your coffee date didnt come to pass, Iloveyou.