Well I will give some background information and then I will get up to date on my current conflict.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years exclusively. I'm not one for casual sex and no one has really caught my eye. However my boyfriend and I try to keep an open convo about it in case something ever comes up so we are as prepared as possible.
I have had a friend who I have had feelings for, well for a really long time. But he had a girlfriend and they got married and it's always been something that I didn't think to much about until a couple of months ago when they were telling me they were thinking about taking the what I would call the Poly leap. I thought about it for a while and the more they talked about it, I mentioned to my friends wife that I had feelings for him. She was really calm about, I don't think surprised and we decided the first thing we wanted to do was know each other better.
My boyfriend was fine in the situation, and her and I started swapping stories and getting to know each other better. She told me she was a little overwhelmed by the whole situation so I didn't discuss it with my friend (her hubby) I was mostly concerned with her feelings and comfort with the situation.
After about 2 weeks of talks between them, she got ahold of me and said they had decided to keep their relationship mono. Well I wasn't really sad more like a little bruised ego for sticking my neck into a situation and maybe making a friendship awkward. it's been about 3 weeks ago.
Tonight I happened to be hanging out with a group of friends including them, and about midevening my friend's wife said she wasn't feeling well and went inside. He was acting kind of strange so I asked him if he was ok, he said he would tell me later. When we were outside alone he told me she was upset about the "poly-thing".
I sat there kinda dumb for a minute and said, "What thing? We squashed that." I explained to him i didn't even feel weird anymore about it. He said "Yes but I still have feelings for you."
Thats the first time I had ever heard him say that he had feelings for me. I was instanly, shocked, overwhelmed, and sitting there with a tummy full of butterflies. I told him that feelings don't just go away quickly but they had to be controlled and that the decision had been made and we just had to get past it.
then he tells me he asked his wife if he could kiss me, and that she was a little upset but said ok. In turn I said no he could not kiss me. because my boyfriend wouldn't know beforehand (he wasn't at the gathering) and mostly because I don't feel like an upset yes is the kind of yes I would want to move forward with.
Now I'm home, I feel conflicted about the entire situation. I like everything up front and open, good feelings, bad feelings, give it to me like it is and lets deal with it. and now I feel so in the gray as to what is happening. I know what it's like to be with someone who isn't poly and tells you that you can't feel the way you do. But I have the most respect for his wife and I refuse to be a part of anything she doesn't feel good about. It's a bad foundation.
I guess this was mostly a vent typing it out I see it's mostly their issue to work on and not mine. I'm confident that I did the right thing by refusing a kiss tonight. Any insight or advice from anyone would be very welcomed.