Thanks Redpepper. It's pretty hard to separate an Indian man from his culture. In his view, he is not being controlling because he is simply stating facts: I am free to choose, and some of my choices could hurt him. I get that.
If we actually listed what was ok and not ok for each of us, his ok would be a monogamous relationship where I did not try to retain male friends if there was any sexual attraction element in the friendship from either party. My ok would be both of us being free to explore romance and intimacy, but probably not sex, with others. As for the uncharted territory in between, his view is that any of it is painful for him, and it's up to me how much pain I'm willing to inflict. I'm inflicting it already, by having feelings for my two friends, and having friendships with them that acknowledge those feelings. And kissing, until now.
I don't think he has come out and said that his feelings are right and mine are wrong, but he has definite beliefs about the meaning of marriage, that leave no room for attraction or flirting with others. He feels like I am trying to redefine the marriage that we entered. Truthfully, neither of us expected that I'd fall in love with anyone else, although if I'd read about polyamory sooner I might have recognized it in my pattern of dating. Fidelity was always a strain in my twenties. I thought it would work once I met the right man, and for a lot of years it did (babies distracted me for a while) but here I am back to feeling romance in more than just one relationship. He feels like I am suddenly changing the game.
I am going to see my friend tomorrow. My husband thought I'd been wishing for an overnight trip, but he's ok with my going for the day. He'll be able to practice trusting me, and I'll be able to practice loving my friend without kissing him, and decide if that is something I can accept.