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Old 10-22-2011, 11:08 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Oh but there is compromising going on. You are not living to your full relationship potential and neither is he. It isn't a competition and it isn't about one person being a martyr over the other. No one is going to get anywhere if that is how you are seeing it... its about having a list of what is okay and not okay for both of you... what is in between and uncharted and working on that. Finding a balance means there are good boundaries,,, working on that list is making compromises to get to that balance. In your situation that could be a what you do for the rest of your relationship is all I am saying. Try and look at this in the positive rather than the "woe is me".... it isn't helpful. Strive for more positive WITH HIM. He has to look at it this way too... kind of like "I noticed you did this for me and that is why I do this in return..." not "you won't let me do this, so I won't let you do that."

What does that mean "its not right?" that says nothing about what he is feeling. He is not the judge of what is right and wrong. I think I would be asking him to give up on that notion. No one is right or wrong here and it is unfair to approach it that way. I would be asking him to cease from inflicting his control in that way. I think its important he know that he does not own this situation and you are not wrong. You need to believe that here. Its not an argument of right and wrong and if he is arguing that then he is way out of line. Next time you talk about this stuff I would suggest that you request that he not say one word about you being wrong and him being right. He is talking from his culture, not from himself specifically and it just isn't relevant at all.

I would find out what it is that is bothering HIM by asking him directly. Not from anywhere else but inside of him. If it is that he doesn't want you to have sex with others and you have agreed not to then that is that. I think you should go and visit your friend and prove that you will hold up your end of the bargin.

If he does not want you to have close friendships with men, but can go out and have casual sport sex then maybe that would work for you (not what I think he is saying, but that could be the other option to give him). If he doesn't want you to have close male friends or to have sex with them then I think I would be pushing the issue and just doing what works for you. I would chose the option of going to visit the friend for the talk you feel the need to have with him, not have sex, get the closeness you need and come home and see how it goes. I would pick this option because it sounds like he could handle that more than the other.

If you stick to what you say you will do then it shows you have integrity, but if you let someone else dictate what you can and cannot do with that much control then it might just be time to see what happens if you push that. Worst case scenario? Your husband will leave... it might just be that he will see that there is really no threat there.

It sounds like you both need a relationship over haul. It is completely not okay for any partner in a marriage to dictate who their partner is close to as friends. I wouldn't be staying if this is the case. Sorry, but I really think he has to separate his culture from himself first and experience what it is like to think for himself. You seem to be managing and that has nothing to do with your up bringing. Stand tall girl, you have support here for what you are trying to accomplish, so believe in your self and in what you are working towards.
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