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Old 10-22-2011, 04:39 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by vigda View Post
What is unexpected is that my wife is not comfortable with my exploring for someone else. She wants to know why I need more than her. I guess I wouldn't if we were both being monogamous. However, I think having another love interest like she has will be exciting and fun.
Certainly you can have a situation where one person is poly and the other is mono, but it has to be by the choice and inclination of the mono person. From my observations here, it seems like most people with a poly partner embrace poly themselves to various extents.

Why should you need someone aside from her? That seems like a rather hypocritical thing for her to ask... she's with someone else aside from you, so she *must* understand how you can love one person and still want another. I suppose it bothers her because she wants a specific person whereas you're more generically looking to date.

I and other people have pointed out that feeling like you "need" another partner to "balance" things is probably the wrong way to go. But *wanting* another partner in this situation makes all the sense in the world. After all:

- You're being shown firsthand that loving two people can work and can be beautiful.

- There'll regularly be times when she's away from you with her bf, so you'll likely have more space in your life than you did before and, possibly, less relationship-energy from her in some ways... you can fill that space with other pursuits, of course, but if you have a strong desire for romantic/sexual/partnered time, another partner could give you that.

- If some part of you is continuing to struggle with jealousy or your own worries about why she wanted someone else, having another partner of your own could help show you that there's nothing to be jealous of, and that loving two people doesn't mean you love either less... having that experience and knowledge could make it much easier for you to accept and understand her choice to be poly, and could indeed help you guys stay together in the long-term!

I would flip it around and ask her why she *doesn't* want you to have someone else. What is she afraid of? It sounds like she just needs to do some work of her own on her issues with jealousy and/or possesiveness. She should read some of the essays at
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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