We had a huge conversation about this last night. I had misunderstood so much, including his meaning two years ago when he refused to answer whether he minded me kissing someone else or not. He minds all of it. It all hurts him. He considers all of it wrong. His "Do what you like" was a big fat "I give up on you."
He's still not telling me not to do what I like, but he says I have to balance the pleasure I get against the hurt he would feel and decide for myself. When I think about it that way -how much pleasure I get from a kiss -it seems clearly not worth it. But I feel now like it's up to me, the sexual deviant in the relationship, to learn to squelch my immoral impulses and live l like a normal decent person if I want to avoid causing my husband pain. (This is how I imagine it looks in his eyes.)
Perhaps it is a rare slice of humanity on these boards, who come here to confront and address the reasons for the pain -jealousies, fears, etc. in hopes of helping find middle ground with partners who want to love others. For my husband, his pain is an appropriate response, and my desire to question it and understand it and hopefully resolve it so that I can love others without causing it, is to him an unreasonable pressure. He feels I will never relent on the subject; thus his "Do what you like" surrender. I can love others and hurt him, or I can be a good wife. My choice.
I honestly don't mind not having sex with anyone else for the rest of my life, but I do love others, and I hate feeling wrong in his eyes for feeling this way. When he tried to kiss and caress me as we ended our conversation, all I could feel was a terrible guilt for knowing that I want kisses and caresses from the other men I love as well. For the first time, I'm actually wondering if we'd be better off not married. I'm not sure if I can live happily until the day I die with a man who sees a whole big part of who I am as indecent. Or if he can live happily with a wife like me.