For reference, those who wish may peruse my old blog
. I have chosen to open a new thread because I am in a different place in my life at this time.
Well, it's been some time. Wow, where to even begin. Glancing through the first page of my other blog, I'm in such
a different frame of mind now. Since breaking up with Romeo, I've been exploring my own desires without holding myself back. When I first started posting here, I was trying very hard to fence in and limit myself, I'd say "OK, I'll do this
much, but I won't go that
far." I was very adament that I wasn't interested in sleeping around, that I only wanted serious relationships, but I think I was mostly trying to drill that into my own head. It all sounded very romantic and lovely, but I rushed and blundered about and it all turned out not to really be what I wanted after all.
So what do I want? Well, right now I think what I've narrowed it down to is basically the freedom to pursue interpersonal connections and let them be whatever they're going to be. I want sex, I want affection, and I want caring, but I don't want marriage, children, a white picket fence, or probably even a life partner. I guess ideally a selection of lovers with whom I have mutual respect. And great sex.
I'm not sure how well that fits in around here, as I know some consider poly to be more a commitment thing, and that's just not where I am right now. However, well, I like the folks I "met" here, so to speak, so I've kind of migrated back.
Romeo and I have kept in touch, and we're actually still sleeping together. I think this is one of those situations where the relationship has sort of morphed instead of actually ending. He's had a really bad year... his grandmother died, he lost his job, I broke up with him, and now he just found out his grandfather is dying of two kinds of cancer. When we separated our finances during the breakup and he moved out, it turned out he owed me about $400 from bills he was behind on... I haven't pressed him to get the money, he doesn't have a job anyway. I don't intend to press. I'm not hurting for the money. I actually decided to loan him the money for a plane ticket to go see his grandfather in Chicago, because he hasn't seen him since the very beginning of our relationship almost 7 years ago (go figure that he sees him once at the beginning and once at the end of our relationship). I think we're in good standing, overall. We don't share all our emotional stuff anymore, but that's OK.
I'm still involved with the last guy I was talking about in my old blog, the roommate's brother. We don't see each other very often because he's been in a sort of depressive funk lately due to job issues, but I definitely enjoy the time we do spend together. He's really
good in bed, very focused on giving pleasure and making it a sensual experience. I think being with him has helped me learn more about what I like sexually. We aren't what he would consider to be "in a relationship". I consider us lovers or friends with benefits (although I think friends with benefits sounds a bit glib... but he is my friend, and I care about my friends, and there are "benefits", so...), which to me is a relationship, but it's just semantics at that point I guess. It's not terribly important to our interaction to identify and pinpoint what we are.
There's another guy I've been fucking, but I won't be doing that with him anymore. He is really bad in bed. He's actually been quite a jerk in bed and I've put up with it because... I don't know, I don't like to feel mean? I like to be nice? Actually there's an aspect of the objectification/domination thing that I don't like to admit is sometimes a bit of a turn on for me, which is probably the real reason I've put up with it. Whatever. The last time was the last straw. It was just bad, he had no interest in my pleasure whatsoever, I was just there to be used, essentially. Which would have been fine if it was some sort of consensual non-consent situation or something, but it wasn't. So anyway, I told him off for a couple of things he did that I wasn't OK with, and he hasn't contacted me since, which is perfectly fine by me.
And lastly, I went on a sort of date with another guy this week, a friend of my roommate's who I've had a crush on for a long time. We went to dinner, went to a bar, hung out at his place for a while, listened to music, and talked about a whole bunch of random things. We ended up having sex, and it was awesome. He's very slow and attentive, very intuitive. He spent lots of time just exploring my body with his fingertips, which was just ... really good.
I hope I see him again soon. He's really busy though. And he lives a bit far, so I guess it won't be that often.
Anyway that's what I'm up to lately. Hi everybody! Good to be back.