Originally Posted by SourGirl
Things to figure out, (before poly dalliances) might be :
- Why is he married to you ? Out of obligation ? That needs nailed down.
- Does he object to feelings, or sex, or both with another person ?
- What about it, would change his feelings toward you ? If, it`s a 'respect' issue,....and he loses respect for you, due to his personal beliefs,..well, you have a very tough road ahead.
- If he is against it, as it forces him to confront his libido-issues and why things are the way they are,..well, you might have some hope.
These are great questions, some of which we have talked about a lot. I suspect that the reasons he married me (my personal qualities, the fact that he gave me his virginity, his being ready at that time in life to get married) are not the same as the reasons he wants to stay married (our children, our reputations, the turmoil of a split, and a respect, maybe a fondness, for the years we have shared). He is very devoted in every sense of the word, including the sense of feeling obligated to stand by me. I am beginning to think he would not have married me if he had known then that I would be like this now -interested in other men, valuing all
my social relationships all much as I do, and not being willing to sacrifice my wants and desires for the sake of my children. (I'm willing to tuck them in bed before I go dancing, but I'm not willing to give up dancing to devote all my energy to parenting, for example. I've had to persuade him that getting a babysitter so we can both go out is not slacking off as parents.)
He's a very logical, scientific man. He doesn't "object" to my feelings for other men, but recognizes that he can't control them. He's not a jealous man at all. He has a fear of losing me, and more specifically, our children, if I am tempted away by another man. For me, sexual desire and the desire to share a household with someone are like apples and oranges, but for him they have never been separate, so I understand his fear. He has a fear of STDs but that can clearly be worked around. He worries the situation would impact our children negatively, even while recognizing and appreciating the wonderful relationships between my daughters and one of these men. And then the big one, impropriety. If others found out, they would judge is. Maybe he'd look inadequate and foolish, and I'd look immoral and selfish. And maybe he'd believe it.
As for his libido, it's an odd problem. He's very sexually satisfying for me. Typical sex for us involves several orgasms for me, and sometimes repeat performances for him. I can turn him on just by saying "let's have sex." I'm not sure if there's a physical issue for him at all. It's just that in between, he doesn't think about it, and that in between time can stretch and stretch. 7 weeks ago he got a vasectomy, and he's supposed to submit a semen sample for testing after 15 ejaculations. Keeping count with him has led me to the discovery that even when we don't have sex for a week or two, he rarely even masturbates. Last count he was at 5 (4 with me, one alone). I've probably given myself that many in the past 3 days. I guess I'd say he loves sex, but he doesn't need sex. I do. I am just so tired of trying to put myself in the mood without his help.