Thread: Postmortem
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Old 10-21-2011, 04:03 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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SW and I are no longer lovers. We're still friends though. Things got weird for us a month or two ago. His relationship with his girlfriend seems to have ended although he maintains some hope she will reconsider. They are complicated - so much so that I didn't even recognize that the breakup had happened. He told me they were not sleeping together. I assumed that she was figuring out her stuff and they were still a couple. For me not sleeping together isn't automatically the end of the relationship. For him, it was. I didn't understand that for a while.

We hadn't slept together ourselves for over a month. With my relationship with Beloved blowing up, I didn't have time to talk with SW, ask him why. I finally had the chance to talk with him about it a few weeks ago. When we talked, he mentioned that he was feeling dissonance about our sexual relationship. And this dissonance caused him to pull back from sex with me. Given our ambigious relationship - not just casual sex, not committed, friends with benefits, but more - he had trouble figuring 'us' out.

I felt this oddness too. I am so not interested in anything serious right now. He's not over his girlfriend - and that's going to take him some time. Also, both of us, because we had other priorities, other people who were our focus, shielded much of our deeper thoughts, emotions from the other. Not in a dishonest, hiding way but because those deeper thoughts, emotions, were meant for our primaries. I know I deliberately pulled back from actions or words that might have led to a more open emotional connection with SW because that was inappropriate for our relationship. He did the same.

Our relationship was always built around the understanding that we were ultimately committed to other people. Once those people were no longer in the picture, our relationship suddenly became different. Possibilities we had never entertained about the other, became options. In many ways, we are very compatible for a more permanent, more serous relationship.

But in many ways, we are not so compatible. For example, he's not sure if he will be poly long term. He's been monogamous before and I believe he will likely be monogamous again. He's started dating again, and he tends to date 'mainstream' women - women who assume monogamy is the end point of a relationship. I have trouble imagining being monogamous again. Doesn't mean it couldn't happen, just that I have difficulties believing I would be happy in a strictly monogamous relationship.

To be continued...

Last edited by opalescent; 10-21-2011 at 06:21 PM. Reason: grammar
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