Well, there's the social element as well. If they had to keep it a secret from me, then it would also be a secret from everyone else as well, including her adult children, her relatives, and the extremely small community we live in, and I think that may have been her reason. This situation would definitely be way too weird for most people, and I'm not sure she wanted people to know she was seeing him, or anyone at all. For some reason, he is more protective of her privacy than he ever was mine, even though she is not married, and should be able to have any kind of relationship she wants.
He actually claims that he would like nothing better than to have us all living under one roof as one big happy family, and we would be like sisters, but I dont know if thats out of a desire for intimacy and closeness, or control, i.e. always knowing where everyone is (or having someone who would tell him.)
He says that none of this would have happened if I had gotten a divorce and moved in with him, but the two women thing has been a pattern of his, so I'm skeptical. And right now my house is the only economic security I have, and I dont want to leave my daughter. I'm also scared I couldnt deal with my jealousy if I was living there and had no place to go.
He says he gets lonely and needs more, and I can appreciate that. Holidays, and not feeling like he is welcome at my house, is understandably difficult.He also says that the reason he is so suspicious of me is because I had affairs in the past when my marriage was crumbling (but not since I've been with him.) He says "I know what you are capable of when you are not happy," but at the time, I really didnt know there were other options, or any other way to handle it. Ironically, he's made me a more honest person.
He has many good qualities, is smart and funny, and has an interesting way of looking at the world. I never get tired of talking to him. I would hate not to have him in my life in some form. I even suggested that he make her his primary partner, and I would be his special "friend." I said I'd be happy to switch roles with her because I thought he was nicer to her and treated her with more respect. I said, "Make her choose between you and her children. Make her feel guilty for not being there every night." And to be honest, I was envious of their new relationship energy.
To my surprise, he said no. And so did she! I cant win even when I give in.
ps thankyou for listening. I cant even tell my therapist this stuff.
Last edited by cheryl; 10-21-2011 at 04:48 PM.