Thanks, everyone. You make it sound so simple. I still feel totally confused about his feelings. I know he would never want a play-by-play description of what happens, and I wouldn't want to give him that. I'm just not sure if he really wants me to do this or not. He did say he would not be happy about it. I think perhaps he hopes that, given the choice, I'll choose monogamy, which to him is the only ethical, proper choice, but a choice he wants to be sure I am making for myself. Not long ago he told me an affair would mean the end of our marriage. I asked him whether getting sexually involved with a man would do that now, and he said only that we'd stay married until our kids are grown (the youngest is in kindergarten) and then see where we are. So I guess I'm worried I'd pay for it later.
I'm not even sure if it is something I feel ok doing. My husband has never been with another woman. I was his first kiss, even. It feels utterly selfish when I know it's something he doesn't feel good about, but seems to be offering maybe begrudgingly for my sake. He's always been one to sacrifice his comfort to meet everyone else's needs. If this makes him uncomfortable, isn't it better that I just don't do it, or is it enough that I just don't tell him?
One thing I feel fairly strongly is that if I do (or if I forgo intercourse and just go get sexy cuddles) I think it would have to be with the first man, where there is already a solid foundation of respect and friendship between each of us. I am worried about the NRE still sizzling between the second man and me, which I think, with sex added, would overshadow my home and family life too much. My husband doesn't trust the second guy not to want to take me away, whereas the first decades older than me and clearly not interested in taking on a mother of young children as his partner.
The idea is thrilling. I've fantasized about him for 20 years!