Well, what's going on for me now?
I found myself really missing the geek. I was recently driving my old commute back to my old home with him for my studies - it made me realise how much I would love to be able to spend some time in the past. I suppose what I mean by that is I would like a few hours with him as it used to be. When we do eventually see each other again I know this will not be possible, and that makes me a little sad. I wish I could tell him I love him, gaze into his eyes, make him a cuppa and snuggle up to him and talk like we used to. I also just miss seeing his smile
I am really struggling on the time front at the moment. Since I moved area, I have been building some lovely friendships which I want to invest time in. I am also currently studying full time, which requires 3 hour daily commutes, 8+ hours studying/working and sleeping away from home 2 nights a week... feeling as though I'm neglecting it a bit as I am not studying as much as I feel I should. I don't feel I have enough 'me' time either...I am so thirsty for knowledge & experience and don't ever seem to feel quenched. I often find myself staying up late as I am tonight to gather myself. The result is that I end up tired, lethargic, prone to illness & with an awful memory - it makes me feel as though I achieve less. Despite knowing this I am finding my habits hard to break and it's getting frustrating. I am beginning to feel very stressed by the situation as I just don't feel there's enough time for everything that is important to me, I'm at a loss as to what to do.
On old love front, things are magical! The depth of our love is astounding, the time we have together infrequent, precious and wonderful; the contact we have between these times very comforting. Things between us seem very profound yet very simple & that is exactly what I want and need. He also seems pretty damn happy too! I feel so very lucky and grateful to love and be loved by someone so amazing.
We don't know what we want in our lives really - he has ambitions of further studies/career development, getting a mortgage...beyond that all is unknown. I have a million ambitions but can only focus on my studies right now. I feel that my priorities have been clarified lately as I'm not worrying so much about whether 'what I want' will happen. I don't know what I want beyond the next 2 years and can start to accept that better meaning that what I want is already happening but I just want more of it.
At times I do worry that I'm not good enough for him. He's given me no reason to think that - quite the opposite in fact! But seeing his many strengths sometimes makes me feel weak - this is silly, I know. I know we have different strengths and see that as a good thing, so why do I often worry and feel inferior?? I'm not sure I know for myself what I see as my strengths, I can only see what I want to improve & that is everything! Not that I dislike myself; I don't - I just feel the stay I stop striving to improve is the day I die.
Blimey my mind seems complicated when I put it into words! My biggest, perhaps only, battle is with myself.