Originally Posted by redpepper
This man is not poly if you ask me, and nor are you if you willingly entered into this situation with him. Maybe in orientation, but not in lifestyle. This is cheating, hands down. Its very black and white to me; non-monogamy without consent, knowledge, honest and open communication in a relationship is cheating... Non-monogamy that is responsible and considerate with ethics such as empathy, integrity etc. is poly. If you want to know more about what others have said on this then check some of the threads found in a search in the tags for "lessons" and "foundations"
Sorry, but "rising above ones ego" just doesn't convince me here. It sounds like a cop out to being invested in someone. To me that means a person has not invested or been moved by a person in terms of bonding. This woman has possibly bonded with this man and he has taken her for a ride by not being responsible in his communication. His heart and sole concern is himself.
It sounds more like you are saying she doesn't have a right to own her emotions if she finds out. I would consider that emotionally abusive actually. If not then it makes me think that you are finding a way to justify his actions in order to sleep okay at night.
"Rising above ones ego" is what I would consider as being a flake and irresponsible. I find it more egotistical than acknowledging that we all have egos and that that is healthy. He sounds like a flake to me. And ya, if he is a flake and a lier to her he will be to everyone. Once a cheater gets away with lying and flaking our of communication they always do until they get caught. I dunno, maybe that's okay with you. I certainly would turn me off.
Have you had a child before? They teach you something about ego and how important it is to have one. Ego is natural and healthy I think, the quest is for me to balance my ego with empathy. Something this man is clueless of by the sound of it.
Have you ever been cheated on in the way he is? Have you deeply loved and cared for someone and had them destroy your trust of anyone because you learned that everything you knew was a lie? I suggest you take a look at some of the threads found under the tag "cheating" in the search engine too. It might help to find some empathy for this woman. No one deserves to be treated with so much disrespect. I don't care what she has done or who she is. Everyone deserves honesty and consideration. Without those basic things there is no love in the world and no hope of anyone ever healing from the damage we cause each other. I suggest that making that your spiritual goal is more healthy rather than the "rising above your ego" goal.
RP, this is REALLY good. Clearly you've been around awhile
And I am sure Mags was just sayin.
You two both have a lot of wisdom to share. Neither of you candy-coats much! It's ok to disagree sometimes, too.
MM, his lies are hurting her. And all of you. He needs to stop being a coward and make a decision to live an honest life. Not like you can force him to man-up, but I'm sending out some hope for you that he will. Or at least I hope she moves away soon!