First, I appreciate you taking the time to look back over some of my old posts and giving a very thorough response. I see where youíre getting coming from, but I tend to post when things are down and not good. So, youíre probably only reading about negatives. I have had long periods of wonderful time and relatively few low points in my life since about 10 years ago. I think things have been going downhill just with my relationship with my husband over the last few years. Some of the problems we had were jealousy and low self-esteem and with the discovery of poly, weíve been more open and honest with each other. However, we started going downhill while I was pregnant and we havenít had any significant upswings in a year. When I had a boyfriend for 6 months or so(before the pregnancy), it was an amazing time. I felt more complete and I was a better partner to both of them at that time. I do have things outside of my relationships that fulfill me, including my career, meditation, cooking, art, music. Although, since our daughter was born and me working full time I donít have as much time to spend doing these things atm.
I have been told the toughest time in a relationship is right after the kids are born and another tough time is the 7 year mark, and weíre smack dab in the middle of both. Weíve been taking each other for granted and spending time doing our own thing. Things are not much better, which is partly why Iím looking for outside relationships right now. 1) It helped our relationship once before and 2) Itís easier to get those needs met by someone else if he canít be there for me right now(even if itís through friends), because I am close to giving up on him. The problems Iím having with my husband right now have been met through this friendship (ie: emotional support) with E. Heís looking for a secondary partner as well.
At the same time, I do think I should be working on my relationship with my husband more, but at the same time Iím close to giving up. I feel like Iíve been making a huge effort and heís not. Iím honestly considering a divorce if things donít change. When heís gone and I have the house to myself, I feel better. And that is so sad to say. Maybe I put our relationship on a pedestal too high, because he had an amazing start and middle. In addition, we have had a rough year, because Iíve had a lot of random health problems post-pregnancy, been forced to go to the ER 4 times! He has been the most unsupportive heís ever been the year I needed him the most. If he canít visibly see the illness then he thinks I should get over it. I do have unresolved resentment and anger at him for that. We do have some significant issues right now. We will continue with counseling and hopefully things will improve. Weíre both miserable and thatís the last thing I want for him or me. At some point, weíll have to make a decision if things donít change. I hate to say it, but itís been a year and I feel pretty hopeless about it right now.
"Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be."