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Old 11-02-2009, 03:13 AM
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nikkiana nikkiana is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 164

There are really two questions here, one "How important is it that everyone be friends?" and two, "What are you supposed to do when you're starting to date someone who's already in another relationship, and that relationship starts to begin to have problems in reaction to the involvement with yourself?"

To the first, I tend to agree with what MonoVCPHG said... it depends on your expected depth of relationship. The more integrated you want your life to be with a partner's, the more important it becomes to be friends or at least friendly enough to be able to have a discussion with that person's metamours. If you're intending on keeping the relationship more casual, it's less necessary, but often helps.

However, close friendships don't always develop out of thin air either... sometimes it takes time to develop trust. Sending a letter to her was a good way to extend an olive branch to her I think. She may not respond now because she isn't ready, but because you made that effort in the beginning, it's possible she'll remember that and be comfortable enough to go to you in the future if there's something that concerns her. I think you've done the best you can in this situation.

To the second, this is one of the grey areas, I have often felt. When people are new to polyamory, it has seemed like (at least to me) that people's philosophy toward poly was often more advanced than their communication or personal reflection skills, and while both partners were philosophically on board to open up their relationship, they didn't necessarily do their homework and prepare for how they were going to handle it when it actually happened. Not that going over hypothetical situations is going to necessarily cover everything that could possibly happen, but it's good practice for figuring out how to communicate when unexpected things do happen. That being the case, I think often times people who were philosophically open to being open end up fumbling their way at first and make crutial communication mistakes which lead to drama and problems.... that's not to say that newbies are bad to be involved with and avoid them at all costs because they don't know what they're doing, but you ought to be aware of what's going on so you can make an informed decision on whether it's best to stay or go.
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