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Old 10-19-2011, 09:37 PM
Rootlet Rootlet is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver, Canada
Posts: 14
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Hi Magdlyn,

No, I haven't lost my sense of humour, fortunately...

My wife started going menopause starting at about 43 and has been completely menopausal (no period) for a few years now, I forget how long. Just natural early menopause, which tends to hit harder, I've read.

All I can say is that we weren't culturally prepared to figure this stuff out. People say 'lesbian bed death' happens. People say 'it's normal to lose interest in menopause'. People say 'insomnia and stress will do that to you'. Doctors give you ten minutes and don't ask or answer nearly enough questions.

She was on testosterone, which did nothing, and is now on natural progesterone, which helps her sleep and reduces the hot flashes (hot flashes suck, as if you try to cuddle she gets all sweaty and clammy, which means we weren't cuddling either. That at least is fixed.). She is also on intravaginal estrogen which helps the vaginal lining get back to optimum. I thought about depression, but she also has chronic arthritis pain and trouble sleeping. Her blood pressure has always been low. Since we've been sleeping apart, she's getting more sleep and is feeling better. The hope is that that will help with her libido too, but I'm not holding my breath anymore.

Things just kind of crept up on both of us, until one day I realized that we had stopped having sex, and that I was too young to be celibate. It took awhile to recognize and sort it out from the 'stress at work' or hot flashes or whatever.

Yes, it's been hard. I'm mad and I'm hurt and I'm sad and frustrated. But now I'm hopeful. She's doing what she needs to do to look after herself and so am I. I'm feel hope about getting back in touch with some juicy parts of myself that haven't been expressed lately - and I mean much more than my sexuality. It's hard to articulate, and probably will be for awhile as I sort out how I'm feeling.

As to, does my wife think we're doomed? I don't think so. Does she bear personal responsibility in this - yes I think she feels guilty, and honestly doesn't know how to resolve what's going on for her. For a long time she didn't do enough to try to fix things, and I still resent that, but she's doing a lot more lately, which is helping. Am I still hurt, yes, which is why I'm not rushing into anything until I feel more grounded. I'm figuring out what I need to do for myself and this is what I've chosen to do for now. I don't know if she's ready to take on polyamory, but we'll figure that out too.
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