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Old 10-19-2011, 08:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,345

Originally Posted by Rootlet View Post
I just want to desire and be desired again, and be able to act on that in the world, to connect with other women in that way. Monogamy was something I fell into with my wife, more by her choice than mine, and because for the first several years our sex life was so rich
Oh how you must miss those fun rewarding times of the first few years!

About my wife's loss of libido - she's still working on trying to get it back, but not particularly urgently from my perspective. She mostly thought it would resolve on it's own once she got through menopause, so we spent about 4 years just waiting, and then more recently she's gotten some medical help with it. She's correct in saying it's something she has to work on in her own way. She's gone to her doctor, who has done some helpful things, but mostly the information about loss of libido in menopause seems to be 'lots of women in menopause lose their desire; live with it'.
That is very sad. Especially with lesbian sex. I mean, with a het couple, the woman who has little to no sex drive can just lube up and lie back and let him put the Jolly Roger in. But being lesbians requires some actual ... activity, no?

I've asked several menopausal women I know, and 8 out of 10 of them said, yes they'd lost their libido mostly and it's a relief for them. They seem about as disinterested as my wife is in doing anything drastic to get it back. So I'm not feeling really hopeful.
They may be fine with it, but how do their partners (if they have one) feel? Unless both partners are fine with it, it's not "fine!" What did these women you survey do when their libidos no longer matched their partner's? Were they lesbians or with men?

About my use of the word 'asexual'. I understand that it's used to refer to someone who may maintain romantic and cuddling relationships with others but isn't interested in sex, which fits my wife. I get that it's a lifelong identity for some and if people think my use of the word to describe my wife is disrespectful to those who identify that way, I'll find another term.
That was just RP's opinion. I would disagree. If you wife never cares to have sex, I'd say she's asexual, even if she can have an orgasm when "forced" to.

I'm a decade younger, and my desire is still fine, and she went through early menopause, which exacerbated things. We've been trying this and that for about 5 years now, and I just can't respect myself and wait any longer... 'Willing to' is so vastly different from 'wants to' that it still makes me cry.
Yes! Very upsetting. One can and does take it personally, even if we know intellectually it's not our own desirability that is the real issue. It feels so good to feel desired and sexy and irresistable.

How old are you and how old is your partner? Are all your friends your age or do you have close friends who are peri or post menopausal?

Our current arrangement is that I will not initiate sex (it is just too painful for me to be turned down all the time, or to maintain that hopeful place) and if she wants to she will initiate. If she's only having sex to please me, we need not to be having sex. We haven't tried the sex therapist, but we've agreed that she's the lead on her own process and body, so she'll have to decide on that.
As I said in my previous post, her lack of motivations to get more help for her lack of libido is not just about her, it affects you and the relationship. Seems she'd rather risk opening your marriage than trying every avenue possible to be more sexual with you!

I need to talk to my partner a bit and agree on what I will give as a reason for our shift... I have a conservative, private wife whose boundaries I need to respect too, so I'll have to feel my way on this one with some consultation with her.
Yes, indeed. So many men (I am bi) approach me on the dating site ok cupid for sex, because their wives have lost interest in it. However, sometimes when they tell their wives they have potential or actual other partners, the wives finally get more sexual! Reverse psychology, territoriality, desire fueled by his new assertiveness, etc., seem to be factors.

Anyhow thanks for the feedback. I'm doing a bit better today. Weekends are hard, with a lot of time for all the layers of feeling to hit. I'm mostly focused right now on building some support for myself, as my wife can't be expected to be the sole place I bring my grief and sorting out to.

Thanks again,
I am glad you're reaching out here!

Since you don't know me, I will tell you I am a pansexual woman, age 56, post menopausal. Pansexual, currently partnered with a woman. My sex drive increased when peri menopause hit and hasn't slowed down in the 16 years since. I think about and talk about sex a lot. Um, I do it a lot too, altho my female partner's drive is not as high as mine. I'd like sex about every day but we don't manage that anymore. We've been together 2 3/4 years and I am nostalgic for the frequency of our first year.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Seeing Rick and Glori (MF partnered, both 33 and poly) since September 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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