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Old 10-19-2011, 08:27 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,555

Hi Rootlet, welcome to the board.

Originally Posted by Rootlet View Post
I just wrote that subject line and thought to myself, "boy are you screwed!" (no pun intended).
At least you haven't lost your sense of humor completely, even if it's dark!

I'm a woman who has been with my wife for over a decade. My wife went through menopause about 5 years ago and lost her sex drive almost completely.
That sounds very hard for you. For about half your relationship, your wife has been asexual!

Later in the thread, you say your wife went through menopause early. May I ask how early, and what was the condition that led to early menopause? Were her ovaries removed? Did she have a hysterectomy?

...she's gone on hormones...
Which hormones? Estrogen, progestin, or both? Testosterone? In the US Estratest (estrogen and methyltestosterone) is not approved for treating low libido in women but can be prescribed for hot flashes and lack of vaginal lubrication. A "side effect" of this can be an increase in libido.

Does she see a doctor who specializes in lesbian health? Is her doctor aware her loss of libido is affecting her emotional relationship with you, her partner?

Does she have high blood pressure? Is she depressed and untreated? This can cause lack of desire. Is she on SSRIs? Some of these can ironically cause lower libido, but some don't. She can have her doctor prescribe a different one and see if her libido increases.

but finally we (actually she) decided enough is enough about two weeks ago.
You say she lost her libido 5 years ago, and for 4 years you both "just waited" for it to return. If I am doing my math right, she tried different therapies for one year and then gave up. She rewarded your 4 years (helluva long time) of waiting with one year of trying this or that therapy, including hormonal therapy, but not counseling/sex therapy?

Are you angry? Do you have a loss of self esteem? 5 years of being rejected sexually sounds insanely hard to me.

After another couple of months to grieve (I'm smart enough to know I'm not dateable right now) that my wife doesn't feel like being sexual with me (or anyone) any more, or rarely, if so, I've made it clear that I'm going to need to see other women. She's not crazy about the idea, but gets that it's necessary, and is good with it as long as I'm discreet... I'm sure she doesn't want everyone to know she lost her libido.
Has she said that? I don't know. If any of your lesbian or Wiccan friends are peri or post menopausal, I am sure it wouldn't come as a huge shock. Women's libidos are notoriously tricky.
My wife and I are good partners to one another, and have a lot of family and other glue tying us together, but I fear sometimes that going poly is a way of just bargaining with the inevitable, that we're doomed.
Does your wife think you two are doomed to break up because of her loss of libido (which could still be treatable)? Is she ready to take on polyamory and all its attendant challenges (jealousy, time management, NRE, the "gossip" you mention, coming out as poly, etc) when your main motivation is looking for the sex she won't give you? Does she have no sense of personal responsibility in all this?

I know this is kind of a light discussion area
No, it isn't.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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