I spoke with Squeeze on the phone last night, and just went ahead and brought up the topic of (non)exclusivity and sex. I had a practice bit from a friend with experience, and I pretty much went from her step 1 right to something much more me....
Which is good. I've been trying to be more and more me, and do what is right for me.
In any case, Squeeze prefers exclusivity because he believes it is less complicated. And in that sense, I absolutely agree. It is less complicated. But he didn't judge me for practicing nonmonogamy, or run away because of Lover. He acknowledged that it will take a bit more time to get to know one another, and also asked me not to share details about my time with Lover. I can certainly honour that.
So, the part of this that was a value conflict is gone, and I am thankful for that. I can get to know Squeeze without feeling like I'm lying by omission. I guess now I still have to figure out what I want, and whether practicing polyamory is important to me.
I waffle on this one pretty consistently, and looking back, I think I have since... well since I started, really. I value many things about polyamory, and I have certainly learned a lot about myself through it. I don't see the acceptance going away.
And in the time since I split with my husband, my idea of what constitutes monogamy has changed, too. Back in the day, I was unhealthily mono... I didn't acknowledge crushes, avoided friendships with men, and expected the same of my husband. I thought marriage synonymous with ownership, though I didn't recognise it as such at the time.
Well, I'm going to stop there for today, as the rest of my thoughts are a bit unformed.