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Old 10-19-2011, 08:04 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 9,033

Personally, I don't specifically seek to find dates or relationships with only poly guys. I prefer to see if I connect with someone just based on who they are, even if they have always considered themselves monogamous. I'm generally attracted to men who possess a certain open-mindedness for such things, however. But first, I see if they are willing to be non-exclusive in relationships, and if we hit it off and seem compatible for something long-term, I then discuss my views of and approach to polyamory and find out if he can be okay with that. I just don't consider poly a part of my identity, nor do I usually find myself attracted to anyone within my local poly community.


To me, your current issue seems to be about more than just "how to find a poly guy" or the dilemma of simply finding yourself attracted to monogamous men. This ex-boyfriend of yours has a history with you and, although years have passed, you're still wishing it could've continued when you got married. From the way you worded how it ended, there seems to be some resentment or maybe even anger still lingering about having to let that relationship go. You are holding onto the memories and feelings you had for him, so much so that you are still hoping something could develop between you and him -- even though he lives far away. Something tells me that the issue for you has to do with having what you can't have, in a delaying gratification kind of way. As in, how good are you willing to let your life be right now, instead of pining for something or someone else?

I just perused some of the other threads you have started here. You came here last year, not sure what you wanted, knowing your weren't satisfied, but unable to figure out if you were "cut out" for either polyamory or monogamy. In that thread you said:
Originally Posted by Phantessa View Post
I've never been anything but monogamous. This is my only real and serious relationship I've ever had. I get the sense that I need something more. But, I don't really know what I'm missing. Before this my longest relationship was two months and that was serious at all.
Did you mean to write that is wasn't serious at all? Is that the ex-boyfriend whom you are now wishing wasn't mono? Then, you and your husband took a brave step and chose to move forward into poly, but you had a less than favorable experience with someone you met online, and considered it a failure. After that you and your husband had a baby, and entered counseling because it seemed there was some distance between you, and that seemed to help. You said you felt closer to him. That was only a little over two months ago, when you wrote:
Originally Posted by Phantessa View Post
We're not actively exploring our poly side either, because we both recognize we need more time to reunite and solidify our relationship.
So, most recently (early October), you posted that your husband said he wanted your relationship to stay monogamous, although he understood you might want more than that. However, he would step aside if you do want to pursue another relationship that is anything more than a platonic friendship. Is that where he still stands? Because now you say he would be 100% okay if it were E., so he must've changed his position on it. You, however, seem as unsure as you always were:
Originally Posted by Phantessa View Post
I don't really know where I'm at or what I want. But, I find myself questioning even wanting a long term commitment . . . The concept of polyamory and the level of openness and honesty is one piece I've really connected with. Although, at the risk of losing him I would probably sacrifice some sense of potential completeness for myself.
So, I think a few questions for you to ask yourself are:
What is it about this old boyfriend that has you still daydreaming about him, wishing it never ended?

Have you looked at your tendency toward dissatisfaction with how things are in the present? This could just be a learned pattern you adopted from observing others when you were a child -- to always feel like something isn't quite right, but you don't know what it is nor how to fix it. Seriously, you could be happy and content with things just the way they are, yet not even know it simply because you've been habituated to be restless, plaintive, and dissatisfied!

Also, what is this "sense of potential completeness" you want, and is it only through relationships that you believe you can have that? How has the counseling or therapy been?

What makes you happy? Who are YOU, besides being a wife and mother?

How can you make your life the best expression of what moves you and brings you joy? Maybe having multiple relationships is a part of that, maybe not.
Even if I'm way off-base about what I'm sensing (the perennial dissatisfaction), these may be good questions to ask if you continually find yourself drawn to basically unavailable men. I actually don't think I'm too far off, though. On one of your threads, LovingRadiance wrote to you:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I keep thinking (while reading your posts) that maybe the issue isn't "polyamory" vs "monogomy" so much as a need to re-identify what rules make a relationship.

. . . You sound like your MORE looking to find "permission" to have fulfilling, dynamic, close meaningful relationships to fill the different interests in your life. That CAN be polyamorous, but it doesn't have to be per se. Do you see what I mean?

I wonder if you really need to work on figuring out who YOU are?

. . . You sounds so confused about what YOU want vs what you think you SHOULD want.

This is your ONLY LIFE. You're an adult now, it's time to figure out who you want to be . . .
It seems you have a very understanding husband with whom you can communicate. That's great and something to appreciate. If I were you, though, I would explore other things that you feel are enriching to your life, but not necessarily other relationships! I would be cautious about delving into any other relationships before you feel like you have a good sense of who you are and what you want out of life, not just out of your relationships.

The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 10-19-2011 at 10:33 AM.
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