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Old 10-18-2011, 10:09 PM
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Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
Also he wants to meet other poly people (ones that we won't become involved with sexually) to understand the lifestyle first hand, which is a great idea. The think is is that he thinks that we need to do this before he meets my guy, before I can tell my guy that I like him. Sometimes this feels too controlling to me, even though I am trying to take it easy on the poor guy, who is really trying to understand. Thoughts again?
I think it's great that he wants to meet other poly people, simply because he would have a chance to interact with people who are happy and successful at it (hopefully) and know how to make polyamory work in their lives.

However, there is no one definitive lifestyle or way to "do poly," so he shouldn't think that he needs to meet them beforehand in order to know how it's done. Everyone who successfully lives polyamorously simply finds a way to fit multiple loving relationships into their own lifestyle. There isn't a technique to learn, although it's pretty much a given that honing one's skills in honest communication is a necessary tool. And that includes how to negotiate and compromise.

He probably is looking for a controlled way to do it, because the idea might be overwhelming to him. He wants a recipe to follow. Is he a perfectionist in some ways, too? But this is what can be intimidating for many people, because poly is just a structure for relationships and, beyond the "prime directive" that it be practiced with "full knowledge and consent" of all parties, there are no rules other than the ones you both feel comfortable with.

So, yes, go out and meet others who have embraced and do practice polyamory, but don't be surprised to see that there is no definitive way to live poly. Some people who are poly do focus a lot on sex, others on family, others on building friendships into intimate relationships, and so on. Some people introduce their additional partners to their spouses or other partners and insist they all get along or at least know each other, and others play it by ear and see who's comfortable with what (there's no rule that your hubs has to meet the guy before you get sexual, or at any stage - it's what works for you that's important). It's a very customizable approach to relationships!

You can look for poly groups in your local area through Tristan Taormino's Opening Up Resources Local Organizations or Loving More Local Groups and Communities, and also Meetup.com.

And yes, why not have him come here and ask questions.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-18-2011 at 11:02 PM.
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