My ideal is that if my husband cares for someone, I want to care for that person, too, and vice versa. I want to socialize, have dinner together, enjoy each other's company. What I've recently learned is that this doesn't always happen right away. And me being welcoming and generous at the beginning of my husband's other relationship may not make her issues go away, or at least subside. We moved too fast to that dynamic, and it didn't work. Now we have to back up and start over, and I'm not open to hanging out with her or her sleeping over until she deals with her stuff.
@purpledreamer, I think you need to give her the space she needs. If you wrote her a letter and she didn't reply, that's the most you can do for right now. It's very difficult when you are not able to communicate the way you want to. But you have to respect the limits someone may have at the moment. I wish you the best. Be patient