Something I learned yesterday
I have had a real challenge accepting and supporting my husband's relationship with a new woman. They have been involved for several months, and are currently in a bit of a holding pattern while they work some things out - things like her other boyfriend that doesn't know of this relationship, her jealousy and possessiveness, her expectations, and most importantly, the way she communicates her feelings and acts out on her emotions. We made a really big mistake months ago by not having a three-way conversation the first time these things came to the surface. Before they determine what their next steps will be, the three of us will have to talk, but I have no idea when that will be, and I am tense and anxious about it. There are red flags, in my opinion and from my perspective. Because I don't have the opportunity to talk with her, these concerns are really the only thing I see. I know communication is the one absolutely critical part of polyamory, and now we all have to start over and have that first conversation.
Yesterday, I suddenly got very worried and upset about it. I felt vulnerable and anxious, and this not knowing what happens next or what that conversation will be like after all this time is driving me crazy. He saw I was upset and we talked about it. I was crying, and I needed him to make love to me and to hold me. So I asked him to do that for the first time ever. And he did, and I stopped crying about it. He and I have an awful tendency of talking, talking, talking, and when we disagree about something, we try to convince and fix. We have to stop that, and instead ask for a simple thing that will put the insecurities back into the proper perspective.
I don't want him to be in a relationship that is such hard work at this early stage. I don't like seeing how she talks to him and confronts him. I don't like that I don't like her right now. I am too quick to take these feelings and turn them into judgement and anger. But I realize that under the judgement and anger is insecurity and vulnerability. I have to trust him and own my place in his life. He has boundaries, and he wants to see this through. He cares for her.
I believe that everyone involved in these relationships has a responsibility to check in and communicate. I have a responsibility to make her feel okay about the dynamic, and she has that same responsibility to me. I'm no expert in this, and I have my own issues that I am working on.
So that's what I learned yesterday - to ask for the little things that will give me comfort and show me what is true; and that we really blew this whole communication thing. So, for now I wait, and focus on what is real, not the what-ifs. I can focus on them when it's time to do so.