Thanks for this. I agree with a lot of what you've said. Thanks for the warning about it bringing up our issues, I kind of expected that
. I've been thinking that we need to make sure we put attention into the things that do work for both of us, and make sure those stay nurtured, and we reinforce our importance to one another. We're actually quite a solid couple in a lot of ways, just not with the sex, which is why we wanted to find ways to stay together but be honest.
I'm sorry that you and your wife broke up. I'm sure you have your own grieving going on right now, since it's so recent.
I like the what you said below and agree with it. I lost almost all of my own family tragically, and my wife's family have been a very nourishing replacement, so they're a lot harder for me to let go than it would be for most people.
"Finally, lesbian communities need to grow the fuck up. It's great that you and your wife are known and liked in your local area. It's great that your families are intertwined (I'm going to miss my in-laws). But it's for damn sure that you are not the only lesbian couple dealing with no sex/lack of desire and you are certainly not the only one to ponder that, perhaps, non-monogamy may be useful. You are not obligated to be anyone's damn role model. "
"You can be respectful and kind as you start to date others. You can be private and go slowly. But you should not be secretive."
I also agree about what you've said above. I wasn't planning to behave as if I am ashamed, but it's a good reminder. I do need to figure out, with my wife, how to talk about it with integrity. Any suggestions?
With my lesbianism, I'm fully out, and if I'm in an environment (say work or a more conservative straight social situation) where I hadn't planned to mention it, but if asked something directly, I generally come out rather than do a pronoun dance. I'm assuming I'll do the same with this, but my wife is more tolerant of being closeted, which is funny since she's quite butch and it's no secret to anyone who sees her.
You're right though, I'm going to have to figure out what to tell people when I start dating, so they don't think they have to protect my wife from me cheating. And also I don't want any other women I become involved with to feel like they have to be secretive iether, so it's a bit of a challenge.
Does anyone have any examples of how they explain to mono friends what they're up to? Particularly if one partner is a lot more private or the non-monogamy is assymetrical?