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Old 10-17-2011, 08:57 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,543
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I was in your wife's shoes not so long ago. I had lost all desire for sex completely. My lack of desire and my inability to deal with it really damaged my wife. My desire started to return - for reasons I don't fully understand - about six months before she moved away for a dream job. We agreed to try opening up our marriage as a way to cope with being in a long distance relationship. We broke up a few weeks ago.

Opening up our marriage didn't lead to the end of our relationship. However, what it did was spotlight every deep issue we had between us. For instance, I began seeing men. This made her feel even less confident - that I was enjoying sex with someone other than her, and that someone was male. Our sex life was better - in that we were having sex - but it wasn't great. She thought I was happier without her, which wasn't true, but she ultimately decided she was happier without me.

Now, you and your wife are not doomed just because I couldn't save my relationship with my wife. It can work but be prepared for every issue you can think of, and more you can't, to be painfully front and center.

Finally, lesbian communities need to grow the fuck up. It's great that you and your wife are known and liked in your local area. It's great that your families are intertwined (I'm going to miss my in-laws). But it's for damn sure that you are not the only lesbian couple dealing with no sex/lack of desire and you are certainly not the only one to ponder that, perhaps, non-monogamy may be useful.

You are not obligated to be anyone's damn role model.

Also, newsflash, you're already being gossiped about. I seriously doubt that your community is completely unaware that you and your wife are having issues.

You can be respectful and kind as you start to date others. You can be private and go slowly. But you should not be secretive. 'Discrete' means you have something to hide which is a terrible way to begin anything. It will harm you, your wife, and whomever you end up seeing. That doesn't mean you need to tell everybody everything but if you act like someone cheating or lying, well that is how you will treated. Would you really want to worry about being 'caught' out on a date by acquaintances? Do you want them to run to your wife and tell her 'all'? It's a small lesbian world. I can guarantee that scenario will happen sooner or later.

I wish you all the best.
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